I haven’t dated for over 5 years but from what most of my single friends have told me the rules of engagement haven’t changed in the slightest. It is still a battlefield, and the same obstacles need to be overcome.
After a Sunday Roast I had prepared for my friends we discussed some of our worst dating encounters and some of our best stories. This included my best friend and her new boyfriend, and our other friend, T, who is an expert in finding the oddest men.
We started with the usual encounters, those that are really into you, and you are not so keen – where they are trying to stroke your face, look intently into your eye, and compliment you unendingly. I think this is perhaps more of an issue for straight women than it is for gay men. But I had in my dating past the person that on taking a 15 second break from replying to a message, or chat, or some e-communication the obligatory “are you there? … have I done something wrong? … why are you ignoring me?” This is tiresome and unattractive. Fact. Sorry I know from the other end it appears rude and off hand, but at the same time, I feel that the level of intensity you are showing is odd at such an early stage. This also reads across in person, when people are trying to Jeremy Paxman style interview you on a first date – unattractive. But the worst is when this heads into the bedroom (of course we are all ladies so this wouldn’t be until at least the 12th date) and they are trying to tenderly make love to you – there is a time and a place for that, and on the first dates it shouldn’t be. They should be about clothes ripping off, not long meaningful looks and slow tender hugs (maybe with a single tear running down their cheek). Bleurgh. I feel there is a misconception that this is what women want and I fear that some gay men also fall into this trap – because someone says they are looking for a relationship doesn’t mean that they cant have wild passionate sex.
Then you get the exact opposite. The bad boys. We all know them, probably at some point some of us have been them. When we know that we are into them and they are just enjoying our company. This gets us doing all the chasing, checking our phones more regularly than socially acceptable, being ever so slightly annoyed if we notice they are online and not talking to us, or if they have text and it’s bland and non committal and you think “why don’t you love me” (whilst softly humming along to Beyonce). When you are the friend of someone entering into this kind of relationship you shake your head, you think ‘why can’t they see it?’ We then get to sit on our highest of high horses and think ‘it’s obvious he is an arsehole’ and ‘clearly only using you for one thing’ – but at the same time when you are in it (and it has been many years since I was there) very little will manage to knock those rose tinted glasses off your face and sometimes I wonder if its better that no-one tries to knock them off until you decide to take them off. As a friend to many a girl that has found herself in this situation I would advise extreme caution as you can either come across as jealous, hostile to the new man, or ‘you just don’t understand’. All of which are difficult to hear when you know your friend is setting themselves up for heartbreak. My suggestion is be honest but diplomatic. My best friend said I gave her ‘tough love, without the love’ when I told her that someone she had fallen for really hard, probably wasn’t even thinking about her hence why he hadn’t been in contact. To be honest I didn’t want to be trite and say ‘he’s just not that into you’, but sometimes I think everyone in the dating world needs to think ‘does it feel like he is into me?’ If the answer is no, then I would cut and run – hardcore and easy to say but that is my only piece of dating advise.
Along with these two archetypal dates, there are whole rafts of oddballs… we came up with a list of special quotes from my favourites:
“I prefer to use industrial strength duct tape, so how about we give the cinema a miss and I tie you to the chair?”
“I didn’t do anything at the weekend other than masturbate, and now I have a blister on my finger” This was from a woman to a man.
“Well as I see it we have two option, we either have a second date, or we go back to mine now?”
“Can you pretend you are 40 years old?”
“I like feet”
“I like to dress up as a baby”
Obviously these are all extremes, there are plenty of nice people out there that are willing to hold normal conversations, and will be open and honest. But by god they are some right old fruit loops out there too.
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