Dating Discussions

I haven’t dated for over 5 years but from what most of my single friends have told me the rules of engagement haven’t changed in the slightest. It is still a battlefield, and the same obstacles need to be overcome.

After a Sunday Roast I had prepared for my friends we discussed some of our worst dating encounters and some of our best stories. This included my best friend and her new boyfriend, and our other friend, T, who is an expert in finding the oddest men.

We started with the usual encounters, those that are really into you, and you are not so keen – where they are trying to stroke your face, look intently into your eye, and compliment you unendingly. I think this is perhaps more of an issue for straight women than it is for gay men. But I had in my dating past the person that on taking a 15 second break from replying to a message, or chat, or some e-communication the obligatory “are you there? … have I done something wrong? … why are you ignoring me?” This is tiresome and unattractive. Fact. Sorry I know from the other end it appears rude and off hand, but at the same time, I feel that the level of intensity you are showing is odd at such an early stage. This also reads across in person, when people are trying to Jeremy Paxman style interview you on a first date – unattractive. But the worst is when this heads into the bedroom (of course we are all ladies so this wouldn’t be until at least the 12^th date) and they are trying to tenderly make love to you – there is a time and a place for that, and on the first dates it shouldn’t be. They should be about clothes ripping off, not long meaningful looks and slow tender hugs (maybe with a single tear running down their cheek). Bleurgh. I feel there is a misconception that this is what women want and I fear that some gay men also fall into this trap – because someone says they are looking for a relationship doesn’t mean that they cant have wild passionate sex.  

Then you get the exact opposite. The bad boys. We all know them, probably at some point some of us have been them. When we know that we are into them and they are just enjoying our company. This gets us doing all the chasing, checking our phones more regularly than socially acceptable, being ever so slightly annoyed if we notice they are online and not talking to us, or if they have text and it’s bland and non committal and you think “why don’t you love me” (whilst softly humming along to Beyonce).  When you are the friend of someone entering into this kind of relationship you shake your head, you think ‘why can’t they see it?’  We then get to sit on our highest of high horses and think ‘it’s obvious he is an arsehole’ and ‘clearly only using you for one thing’ – but at the same time when you are in it (and it has been many years since I was there) very little will manage to knock those rose tinted glasses off your face and sometimes I wonder if its better that no-one tries to knock them off until you decide to take them off. As a friend to many a girl that has found herself in this situation I would advise extreme caution as you can either come across as jealous, hostile to the new man, or ‘you just don’t understand’. All of which are difficult to hear when you know your friend is setting themselves up for heartbreak. My suggestion is be honest but diplomatic. My best friend said I gave her ‘tough love, without the love’ when I told her that someone she had fallen for really hard, probably wasn’t even thinking about her hence why he hadn’t been in contact. To be honest I didn’t want to be trite and say ‘he’s just not that into you’, but sometimes I think everyone in the dating world needs to think ‘does it feel like he is into me?’ If the answer is no, then I would cut and run – hardcore and easy to say but that is my only piece of dating advise.

 

Along with these two archetypal dates, there are whole rafts of oddballs… we came up with a list of special quotes from my favourites: 

“I prefer to use industrial strength duct tape, so how about we give the cinema a miss and I tie you to the chair?”

“I didn’t do anything at the weekend other than masturbate, and now I have a blister on my finger” This was from a woman to a man.

“Well as I see it we have two option, we either have a second date, or we go back to mine now?”

“Can you pretend you are 40 years old?”

“I like feet”

“I like to dress up as a baby”

Obviously these are all extremes, there are plenty of nice people out there that are willing to hold normal conversations, and will be open and honest. But by god they are some right old fruit loops out there too.

To unfriend?

I notice a lot of people claim psychology disorders, and I am sometimes quite quick to attribute them to people: narcissistic, manic depressive, depressive, histrionic (the most common in my opinion), Münchausen syndrome (and by proxy) and a whole range of body issues that would keep a psychologist in work for years to come, but I think all of us have some elements. I would say I could have a tendency towards the depressive, but it is slight. I am also quite paranoid (as many of my blog post probably show) but I like to think I am a long way off needing to be sectioned. But I notice now there is a rising trend in people who not only have bad moods, but have consistent issues and air them at length. Both twitter and unfortunately my Facebook timeline are quite bad for this. I like everyone have a moan, I have a man period, I hate Monday mornings, and I love a good gripey whinge, but some people seem to use these social media as a form of counselling. The problem with this approach is that it can have limited success or end up feeding the Monster and making it almost a form of entertainment. I have a few case studies to back up my awful generalisations and sweeping statements, and then I have the person with who I have the most issue and I need to decide whether to commit the ultimate sin and unfriend her on Facebook. 

 

1. I think Twitter is bad for mental instability becoming a form of entertainment or almost feeding other peoples desire to feel needed and important – for the histrionic. A particular case I have in mind is someone that clearly has issues we will call him X. He has lots of followers, but previously I would say that he was a manic depressive, he is up and down like a rollercoaster, and brutally open with it, but part of his histrionic situation is that he requires constant confirmation from others that he is ok. Sadly there is a group of people that have almost taken on the role of being his crutch, and I think they are perhaps more unstable because they get pleasure and gratification from his pain – Münchausen by proxy. Sometimes I do think he is truly depressed, but sometimes I think them revelling in it and affirming it even if there is actually no justifiable reason. Now I can hear the battle cries and the self doubt – is that me? I don’t follow this person any longer, so if I follow you, you are safe. Also I hear your criticisms that I don’t know this person and therefore who am I to judge him or his supporters. The reason I can is because this person is publicly advertising this situation and even unfollowing him hasn’t removed him from my timeline.

 

2. Case study Y is a slightly more complicated character. I had real issues with him. He was perfectly nice and polite to me, always asking how I was, saying good morning on twitter, and a close follower to the things I said. However I found him to be oddly narcissistic sociopath (forgive me if my diagnosis is not quite correct – I’m not a professional – this is armchair psychology) which had a really interesting juxtaposition bearing in mind I knew of this person through a social network. He seemed to require to enjoy using twitter to be “social” but this was generally inane chit-chat and sometimes came across as a little needy, however he also liked to air his views (again fine), however I often found them simplistic and very much Black and White, and I would have said uninformed or ill-informed. Therefore his views were often quite contentious and prompted a response. I initially excused his sometimes aggressive statements as being his youth and somewhat his passion, I became slightly more sceptical when whole swathes of people were entering into arguments with him and there was a mini Twitter pitch battle. I finally broke and reached for the unfollow button when someone very reasonable was suggesting an alternative point of view and he said “I don’t come on here to get into a discussion – I know I am right” – admittedly they were having a deep discussion about Irish Riots which Twitter is clearly not the place for unless you’re very succinct, but to be so dismissive of someone else’s opinions and not allowing them to respond went against what I thought twitter was about. He asked me immediately why I unfollowed but I didn’t want to get into it. In this case the social media seemed to be feeding his ego, feeding his sense that people were either with him or against him. 

 

3. Then we come to my “friend” from Facebook. She has many many issues, but to give some background on our friendship. About 5 years ago we were part of a group that did everything together, it just so happened that our planets aligned and we all went out pretty much every night. To be honest she was always a little dramatic, a bit of an odd ball and we did wonder whether much of her history was tall tales (otherwise she had the most horrific and adventurous childhood and adolescence known to man – including murderous twin – very Days of Our Lives) but since the advent of Facebook and the acceptance of inane status updates we are now getting a full running commentary. She often refers to periods when I knew her well, and I was in her life and knew her girlfriend and yet she depicts a completely different story to the one I ever saw or experienced (but benefit of the doubt – we don’t know what happens behind closed doors) but then they came:

 

“Z is not a happy bunny”

“Z is not enjoying today”

“Z is furious with the world”

 

Ok, ok, we all have moments where we need to rant, but these statements were always so random, out of sync with the rest of her timeline and never explained. Even if directly asked “is everything ok?” she will not respond. I think often she needed people to show they cared. Unfortunately these would eventually ramp up.

 

“Z is on the verge”

“Z doesn’t know why she bothers”

“Z thinks everyone hates her”

 

Her poor kind friends (this doesn’t include me) would obviously flock to her page and write comforting messages and supportive things, but the oddest part is then 15 minutes later “yum Mushroom noodles” appears as her next status update. It is all too much for me. Sometimes she descends into utter madness and it’s lots of “Z f*cking hates you for lying to her and making her feel like nothing, well not any more. I am done with it.” Again there is no explanation and no reasoning, so my patience wears thin. The problem with Z is that she does two other things I cannot bear. She takes endless amounts of photos of herself in various pouty faces (I know I know, we all like to take the odd pic of ourselves if we feel we are looking good, but come on – not every day a new picture with a  new pouty face) – and this I find awfully narcissistic. And her final nail in the coffin that got me to unfriending her was she set up a Alter-Ego Facebook profile for her “professional modelling persona”. No. Just No. Nothing more. She isn’t that pretty. She is short and wide of hip. And She isn’t in any way model material. I would like to add she isn’t just any model but a seductive model – all her photos have a slight soft lens look, she is normally in underwear and draped over the nearest couch. It is not a good look.

 

With all these people and a lot of other I do wonder if they are looking for their 15 minutes of fame? Whether it be from friends, or twitter they are just desperate for the validation. But then I think I am too. I have had a short hiatus from Twitter and I have really missed it. Suddenly I am full of witty things I could have tweeted and things I wanted to say out into the ether. And oddly more than once I thought  “I should blog about that” but then I think – does it make me as bad them? That I want people to read my thoughts, and find them important. Who Knows? All I know is that I wont be unfriending her just yet, as sometimes crazy as I find her I also find her oddly entertaining and enthralling.

Man Period

Today I felt entirely inspired to talk about a phenomenon that I feel may only effect me, but I am hoping that through this blog others might come forward so I don’t feel like a weirdo. It is the Man-Period.

 

The reason I am inspired is mine is totally in full flight – if I was a woman I would be classified as having full on PMT.

 

I am irritable – if the guy on the next desk over burps one more time I am going to jam my keyboard down his gullet and take utter delight in doing it. 

I am lazy – no gym for me today, even the thought is raising bile in my throat.

I am comfort eating – so far a dime and crunch bar down in quick succession.

I am irrational – I almost cried when the excel spreadsheet I was working on wouldn’t do what I wanted.

 

For me these occasions are bought on for no discernable reason, and they go just as easily and randomly. Normally for me they only last about a day and they are quite subtle, unless you knew me you’d probably say I was perhaps a little more quiet, reserved and a tad arch at times, I am not sobbing at my desk (yet) or throwing office furniture (close but not quite – god I’d love to).

 

On occasion I am sure it is hormonal because they are so completely random and I am just more “emotional” than usual. Normally getting me to cry would require waxing my stomach as I’m not the sort to cry, but when I am like this I almost crave it – is that weird? Do I sound like a psychopath?

 

I suppose the point of this article is for me it’s totally normal and we should all have these day, right?  

 

Oddly when I am like this the last thing I want is for people to comfort me or be kind, or ask what’s wrong, I just need to be left alone, handed a pain aux raisin or three, some jazzies, and a coke zero and allowed to retire with either a podcast or a good book. Unfortunately life often gets in the way and instead I am inflicted onto the world. So I apologise if sometimes I seem to be self-indulgently negative, but most of the time I do try to be positive.

Sleeping with the Enemy (apparently)

Five years ago and 4 days I started going out with my boyfriend (cue smug smile) and in that time he has done four jobs but the last one he has done for two and a half and I can honestly say he has found his vocation. He is a Police Officer.

I am proud of that fact and I know he is too (sometimes erring on the smug side) - in fact I have been known to refer to him as the Sheriff as he tries to lay down the law in all walks of life but I put him straight on that. But by no means was this an easy route.

To give you the background he has always wanted to be a police officer, and when he was 18-24 all his mates were coppers but for some reason he never thought he could do it. Luckily for him (I'm sure he counts his blessings every day) he was with me and I'm not the sort to ignore life long ambitions so when we heard the Met were recruiting - I researched the arse off it and showed him what he'd have to do - the maths test, the written test, the role play, the interview, the whole assessment centre... Etc etc - and then the physical and health checks, and said that if he wanted to do it, I'd be right beside him. So we did it! It was gruelling, teaching and testing a 27yo on long division, written papers etc over entire weekends is not a happy task - but he wanted it so he learnt it, much to his own amazement. We managed to get through every stage - he aced the maths test (pats self on back) and he got to training.

Even though they told us, we didn't know what we were quite letting ourselves in for - the changing shift patterns, the late running shifts, the shifts over holidays, the learning and revision of what felt like entire legal volumes (I myself learnt a lot from testing him) - but there was an up side: the people. Of course they weren't all perfect - like anything there were some idiots - power trippers that thought with a badge they were Gods, but most of them seemed to get caught out by the recruitment system and didn't get through training. But when I met his fellow officers the one thing I felt was reassurance because I knew they'd have my boyfriends back and he'd have theirs and they were the sort of people I wanted to help me in an emergency - they weren't all big burly blokes, not all straight, not all White, not all English, but they respected each other and they all had a passion. Again don't get me wrong I am sure some love the power, the fast cars and the authority (and some are probably arseholes and idiots) but they all are willing to help others - people they don't know.

You may say - well their job is catching criminals but I'd say a lot of what they do is helping people. Yes of course they are catching criminals, but they also offer reassurance, make people feel safe, help find lost children, protect the vulnerable, protect people from themselves, all sorts of rubbish I didn't even think about till he started and I heard about it every night!

So now we get to the crux of my post - I start reading twitter posts a about the lousy job the police are doing in Tottenham, Student Riots, on pretty much everything - but let me ask you this - what would you do? Would you stand there and be completely calm as someone throws a petrol bomb at you? Screams "scum! Scum! Scum!" in your face as one delightful student was doing on their protest? How would you react? Now you might say they are paid to be calm, paid to take the abuse? Really you think? I don't think they are paid enough then. Because no amount of money could pay me to do that!  least we forget when all these same people are broken into or their bikes are stolen, or they're mugged, who do they call?

When it is said that the protesters shouldn't be kettled but whatever you do don't let them vandalise the statues?

Don't contain them but don't let them chase Prince Charles car?

Don't stop them or search them but don't allow them to go equipped to loot Topshop?

How do you stop them? How would YOU stop them? People also like to say in their most outraged voices whilst clutching their pearls "they were children and kept in cordons for upwards of 4 hours" - oh heavens how did they ever manage to survive being cordoned off surrounded by police for 4 hours in the broad daylight - Don't be ridiculous - I am sure they all thought it was cool and none of them are traumatised by the experience!

Now for Tottenham (to caveat this piece I haven't be studying the news in depth on this so I may get some points slightly wrong) and more recently Brixton, Enfield, Walthamstow, Islington... These don't seem to be a demonstration against a Police state but rather opportunists using the flash point of a man being shot by a Police Officer to loot and riot. I understand the family and friends of the man wanting to get answers and the answers probably seem really slow coming, and the long process the IPCC probably needs to go through is long and tedious (but I am sure there is a reason for this i.e. to find the truth and fully investigate) but I doubt the people breaking into Currys in Brixton really have justice for this man in their mind. I completely agree that the shooting should be investigated, and it should be checked that everything was done to the very letter of the law, and if it was a mistake and the wrong person was shot then this needs to be highlighted and the correct action followed. But please don't lampoon the police, or use general statements about the whole of the Police force, because the Police have come on leaps and bounds in the last 20 years, sure they like everyone else make mistakes, sure they like everyone else don't always have enough staff to deal with problems (how they were expected to know that people were randomly going to start looting and rioting in Brixton is beyond me - also how many Police officers do you think they have? Don't forget they are a front line Government service like everything else they have deliver their savings - cut overtime - lose staff - etc etc). The Police are dealing with the problems as best they can, but what is everyone else doing about it? Or isn't it your problem? Oh no, it's the governments problem... the "communities" problem... the Afro-Caribbean problem? - Actually it's not. It's everyone's problem, and rather than lambast one of the few groups that is trying to tackle it, how about for once you try to be supportive.

I know its my problem, because I hear about it every night, the good and the bad, the light and the dark, but I also get the fun of thinking "shouldn't he be home by now?", "he hasn't responded to my text?", "there has been a Police Officer shot"... in the two and a half years I have come to terms with this more and more, but I still get the twinge when I haven't heard from him and he was meant to have finished. I am sure there are wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands all over the country that have dealt with this much longer than I have, and the odd few have got the awful call to say something has happened - but one thing I know is that the majority of these Officers do a fine job and they go to work (and we send them off to work) knowing the risks and still decide to help people.

So in conclusion my message is this - be critical of the Police if you want, but be fair, and try not to make general sweeping statements!