Twoliday, Twabbatical, Tweath

There was a recent BBC article on the growing language of Twitter^[1], and I decided to apply this language to my conundrum.

I have noticed that recently a lot of my favourite twitterati have fallen off of twitter, some gradually reduce their tweets, engage less, and generally fade, others seems to just stop. This has led me to considering the idea of a twitter holiday (twoliday), a twitter sabbatical (twabbatical), or the ultimate twitter death (tweath) – I am sure someone has already coined better phrases but this is the best I can do.

I think it is always good to have a Twoliday especially if you have some reason i.e. you actually are on Holiday . I think it is nice not to broadcast your every thought, and to keep some things private from the rest of the world. Also I have noticed when people come back from their Twoliday they have more to say. Obviously there are some occasions where because you are on holiday you will have more to say, and more time to tweet, and more interesting things happen – so you don’t have to use that as your excuse to have a mini-break. I think the breather also lets you connect with what you are doing – I feel like sometimes people are so busy tweeting about stuff they forget to enjoy it, and forget to enjoy it with the people they are with in the real world - for me it’s a bit like the people that go to a gig, or concert only then to video the whole thing through their camera or phone, but watch the camera more than they do the stage, and then end up actually missing out on the experience.

I have to admit I am currently going through a Twabbatical and I am oddly enjoying it. In a recent discussion with someone I said about twitter “you only get out what you put in” – so if you are a lunatic, you will get insanity out, and if you angry, you will grief out, if you are flirty you will get fun times (probably) out of it. I think my problem was that I was putting in inane rubbish and therefore getting it out. I had lost anything relevant to say. I think the problem came when for about 7 days I couldn’t tweet as I had such limited signal, and then on getting back I didn’t really have much to say, so I tried really hard, and then I just seemed like I was trying. Also it felt like I had followed so many people that my timeline was getting confused, I was struggling to follow people, and certain people that annoyed me and I loved to hate were turning from deliciously annoying to just plain repugnant. Of course everyone is allowed their view and everyone is allowed their say and I have no problem with people expressing a different opinion to me – in fact I welcome a bit of lively debate. But it does annoy me that there are influential people on twitter that don’t enter into debate but state their opinion, and there is a strong pressure to conform.

Then there is the ultimate. The Tweath – your twitter death – I have known some to be resurrected, but others have taken the plunge never to return. I have to admit I get it and am more and more tempted. I sometimes feel like I have been sucked into twitter and that I know more about what is going on in a random person’s life than I do my friends, or that I have the same circular conversations with people “good morning, how are you?”, “good night sleep well” – don’t get me wrong I would say twitter has introduced me to some lovely people, some attractive people and some lovely attractive people (a bonus) – some of which probably don’t know I exist – but that is fine, I don’t need them to. But those that I really care about I have met, and I interact with, whether it be through facebook, or in actual real life.

I could give you a long list of the people I like, but that would be embarrassing and weird – so I hope they know who they are. I probably will be back (probably tomorrow).

^[1] http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-14785537

The Stealth Account and the Media Account

Someone recently mentioned to me that they had a stealth account. Of course this had occurred to me before, and I quite like the idea. It could be the account where you could be exactly who you want to be - you could be completely open, uncensored, bold and untouchable because you couldn't be linked to the real life you. I already can hear people saying "I am already like that on my normal account" and although I don't doubt there are some people that are mostly true to themselves, I think most people become altered online - whether it's more flirty, less open, or just a slightly exaggerated caricature of themselves.

I like the idea of a stealth account as it enables the user to be completely open, they can:

a) Hate people - whether it be other twitter users, famous people, private people - without the judgement of everyone out there.

b) You can have an open relationship without some people clutching their pearls and slightly looking down their nose at it.

c) They can shag around (like most gay men do especially the single ones) again without everyone clutching their pearls.

d) They can have fringe views without being brow-beaten into accepting the common consensus.

e) They can not follow back, or follow the same people as everyone else, they can not respond to tweets or ignore DMs without being vilified. (This goes in direct contraction to my earlier blogs, but here I mean that this anonymity allows people to forget to respond to the odd tweet, or do it two days later without getting judged - not just choose who to reply to based on who their friends are - and if you are using a stealth account to share an experience you may not necessarily want to follow back everyone that follows you)

However in direct contradiction to the Stealth Account is the Media Account. I know I will probably get some people rolling their eyes at this because of course celebrities will use their account as a way of interacting with their fans, but I don't mean celebrities, or anyone that would be considered famous - I mean those with a huge following but for no apparent reason. I have seen a lot of them both gay and straight, male and female.  This type of account is one I generally oppose and I wont follow for very long.

The reason I cant stand this type of account is that it is completely disingenuous and often their tweets can seem contradictory. They use it to push their "persona" whether it be in a semi professional sense, or in a private sense, but this isn't the real them, you don't get a 'warts-an-all' experience - you get a highly tailored experience to only show off their very best side. Of course no-one wants to show every aspect of their soul on facebook or twitter, but to claim to be completely open and to share yourself through twitter, but then only show the sides that you think will best suit your fans seems to me to be totally deceptive.

Again to clarify, I don't care if you don't want to tell me your shoe size, what you had for dinner, or what you and your partner do in the bedroom, but I don't want to hear that your life is all happiness and sunshine all the time, that you love everything although sometimes you get sad [ sad face ], but that you will never go into it, but you will promote you amazing nights out, your latest bit of work, your great workout, your fabulous friends, the party you go to z-list celebs, or even A-list celebs, that you love all the right things and will not do one singular controversial thing in all the god given day, you will lightly flirt, but never say anything outrageous, and all the while claim you are an open book and it can all be seen on twitter.

It all gets too much for me as its all too sanitised and has the feeling of a PR person pulling my leg. I am no media guru but I know enough that I know that the likes of  Will Young, Russell Tovey, or Scott Mills aren't ever going to say they went to The Hoist and spent all night in a sling, and I don't expect everyone that does it to splatter it all over twitter - but come on, lets not all pretend we haven't seen a penis before. However there are pitfalls that I dont think these people realise when promoting themselves as being so wholesome and well rounded:

a) I have to admit I am a gossipy queen, and if there is one thing a gossipy queen attracts it's gossip. People love to tell me stuff about everyone - why? Because I am a completely receptive audience (I'm not showing off - it's not an attractive quality but it is true). Therefore, I often hear what is happening behind the scenes.

b) we live in a small community especially if you consider gays on twitter. I feel like there is probably about a 1 degree of separation on Twitter - I oddly have found people that know my boyfriend, that I went to school with, that are close friends of my friends, that I knew when I was 16.

c) everyone that has gaydar, or grindr can see what you are doing, and they like to tell everyone behind your back.

d) we can see you when you are out and drunk and doing all those things you pretend you don't do.

e) people will hate you, or dislike and this leads them to bitching about you, and if you want to maintain that you are St Saintly of Sainthood then you cant rise to it, or engage with it, or be annoyed, because you are after all a well oiled PR machine, and if you let the crack show then it proves my point and you are not the butter-wouldn't-melt-girl-guide you make yourself out to be.

To unfriend?

I notice a lot of people claim psychology disorders, and I am sometimes quite quick to attribute them to people: narcissistic, manic depressive, depressive, histrionic (the most common in my opinion), Münchausen syndrome (and by proxy) and a whole range of body issues that would keep a psychologist in work for years to come, but I think all of us have some elements. I would say I could have a tendency towards the depressive, but it is slight. I am also quite paranoid (as many of my blog post probably show) but I like to think I am a long way off needing to be sectioned. But I notice now there is a rising trend in people who not only have bad moods, but have consistent issues and air them at length. Both twitter and unfortunately my Facebook timeline are quite bad for this. I like everyone have a moan, I have a man period, I hate Monday mornings, and I love a good gripey whinge, but some people seem to use these social media as a form of counselling. The problem with this approach is that it can have limited success or end up feeding the Monster and making it almost a form of entertainment. I have a few case studies to back up my awful generalisations and sweeping statements, and then I have the person with who I have the most issue and I need to decide whether to commit the ultimate sin and unfriend her on Facebook. 

 

1. I think Twitter is bad for mental instability becoming a form of entertainment or almost feeding other peoples desire to feel needed and important – for the histrionic. A particular case I have in mind is someone that clearly has issues we will call him X. He has lots of followers, but previously I would say that he was a manic depressive, he is up and down like a rollercoaster, and brutally open with it, but part of his histrionic situation is that he requires constant confirmation from others that he is ok. Sadly there is a group of people that have almost taken on the role of being his crutch, and I think they are perhaps more unstable because they get pleasure and gratification from his pain – Münchausen by proxy. Sometimes I do think he is truly depressed, but sometimes I think them revelling in it and affirming it even if there is actually no justifiable reason. Now I can hear the battle cries and the self doubt – is that me? I don’t follow this person any longer, so if I follow you, you are safe. Also I hear your criticisms that I don’t know this person and therefore who am I to judge him or his supporters. The reason I can is because this person is publicly advertising this situation and even unfollowing him hasn’t removed him from my timeline.

 

2. Case study Y is a slightly more complicated character. I had real issues with him. He was perfectly nice and polite to me, always asking how I was, saying good morning on twitter, and a close follower to the things I said. However I found him to be oddly narcissistic sociopath (forgive me if my diagnosis is not quite correct – I’m not a professional – this is armchair psychology) which had a really interesting juxtaposition bearing in mind I knew of this person through a social network. He seemed to require to enjoy using twitter to be “social” but this was generally inane chit-chat and sometimes came across as a little needy, however he also liked to air his views (again fine), however I often found them simplistic and very much Black and White, and I would have said uninformed or ill-informed. Therefore his views were often quite contentious and prompted a response. I initially excused his sometimes aggressive statements as being his youth and somewhat his passion, I became slightly more sceptical when whole swathes of people were entering into arguments with him and there was a mini Twitter pitch battle. I finally broke and reached for the unfollow button when someone very reasonable was suggesting an alternative point of view and he said “I don’t come on here to get into a discussion – I know I am right” – admittedly they were having a deep discussion about Irish Riots which Twitter is clearly not the place for unless you’re very succinct, but to be so dismissive of someone else’s opinions and not allowing them to respond went against what I thought twitter was about. He asked me immediately why I unfollowed but I didn’t want to get into it. In this case the social media seemed to be feeding his ego, feeding his sense that people were either with him or against him. 

 

3. Then we come to my “friend” from Facebook. She has many many issues, but to give some background on our friendship. About 5 years ago we were part of a group that did everything together, it just so happened that our planets aligned and we all went out pretty much every night. To be honest she was always a little dramatic, a bit of an odd ball and we did wonder whether much of her history was tall tales (otherwise she had the most horrific and adventurous childhood and adolescence known to man – including murderous twin – very Days of Our Lives) but since the advent of Facebook and the acceptance of inane status updates we are now getting a full running commentary. She often refers to periods when I knew her well, and I was in her life and knew her girlfriend and yet she depicts a completely different story to the one I ever saw or experienced (but benefit of the doubt – we don’t know what happens behind closed doors) but then they came:

 

“Z is not a happy bunny”

“Z is not enjoying today”

“Z is furious with the world”

 

Ok, ok, we all have moments where we need to rant, but these statements were always so random, out of sync with the rest of her timeline and never explained. Even if directly asked “is everything ok?” she will not respond. I think often she needed people to show they cared. Unfortunately these would eventually ramp up.

 

“Z is on the verge”

“Z doesn’t know why she bothers”

“Z thinks everyone hates her”

 

Her poor kind friends (this doesn’t include me) would obviously flock to her page and write comforting messages and supportive things, but the oddest part is then 15 minutes later “yum Mushroom noodles” appears as her next status update. It is all too much for me. Sometimes she descends into utter madness and it’s lots of “Z f*cking hates you for lying to her and making her feel like nothing, well not any more. I am done with it.” Again there is no explanation and no reasoning, so my patience wears thin. The problem with Z is that she does two other things I cannot bear. She takes endless amounts of photos of herself in various pouty faces (I know I know, we all like to take the odd pic of ourselves if we feel we are looking good, but come on – not every day a new picture with a  new pouty face) – and this I find awfully narcissistic. And her final nail in the coffin that got me to unfriending her was she set up a Alter-Ego Facebook profile for her “professional modelling persona”. No. Just No. Nothing more. She isn’t that pretty. She is short and wide of hip. And She isn’t in any way model material. I would like to add she isn’t just any model but a seductive model – all her photos have a slight soft lens look, she is normally in underwear and draped over the nearest couch. It is not a good look.

 

With all these people and a lot of other I do wonder if they are looking for their 15 minutes of fame? Whether it be from friends, or twitter they are just desperate for the validation. But then I think I am too. I have had a short hiatus from Twitter and I have really missed it. Suddenly I am full of witty things I could have tweeted and things I wanted to say out into the ether. And oddly more than once I thought  “I should blog about that” but then I think – does it make me as bad them? That I want people to read my thoughts, and find them important. Who Knows? All I know is that I wont be unfriending her just yet, as sometimes crazy as I find her I also find her oddly entertaining and enthralling.

Hierarchy of Twitter and Tribe Politics

My friend and I often discuss the relationships between twitter folk – I find it an endless enthralling soap opera watching how these people will let us into every aspect of their lives, it actually feels like a real life Game of Thrones / Dynasty / Family Guy – all rolled into one. With some of the tribes and cabals I get the impression that this is purely an e-fantasy world… like Second Life, where people explore relationships that they would never or be unlikely have in the real world. However to me the much more interesting tribes (to observe) are those that actually live out their life using Twitter as a portal. This is a dangerous game because obviously we know everything about them, and they don’t know us at all, which leads to confusion when interacting because the social boundaries are blurred. However, where my friend and I differ is that there are certain groups I wont get involved with as much (having been burnt once by it all) and yet he optimistically see’s the best in everyone and therefore gets more stuck in.
 

In our discussions around the topic, we have agreed that much like in gay tribes you can see trawling Soho, Brighton, or wherever we tend to congregate, there is a hierarchy within the tribes, and the politics is rife. I find the Twitter Tribe will often feature:

 

-         A Leader / Lord – Almost exclusively they will have the largest number of followers, and generally well liked by a broader group than just their “friends”. Oddly in my most fascinating group case, the leader in question doesn’t tweet very much, but when he does there is frenzy around it. And to get a tweet from them is truly a blessing from god – also he isn’t very social and rarely if ever goes out (that he tweets about anyway). I find the leaders of the tribe will generally always be very attractive, have good bodies (and oddly work in the media) in gay tribes, polite to everyone, and be fairly intelligent to get that mass appeal. The problem with Twitter is that once you become a “leader” on a social media website you fall under scrutiny unlike in the real world, where you can lead your gang of friends in any way – showing both dark and light – on Twitter that will not sit so well.  So therefore to me they become a little sanitised and one dimensional, and they self-edit far too much for me to appreciate them and to fall into line.

-         The Deputies or Dukes – These will have a large amount of followers, generally tweet a lot more, and interact a lot more. These characters seem to play a fairly crucial role, because they almost exclusively live their lives in twitter, even going abroad won’t stop them, being on a date, being at a funeral, these guys will tweet no matter what. End of the world… they are tweeting. To gain this appeal they are generally also attractive and fairly intelligent, but as they are not the leader they can show a bit more light and shade and be a bit more human (which has its appeals to me) but means they cant be the leader as some people wont like them, and we cant have that. In the group that interest me all of the Dukes tend to be close friends with their Leader and almost always there is some simmering sexual tension underling it – which they always strongly deny with mock outrage and clutching of pearls – but come now you are fooling no-one.  

-         The Deputies Consort or Ladies – These people are just the other halves of the Duke or their close friends – their main role is to look good, tweet inane rubbish, and never be controversial. These people often have a nasty whiff of being desperate to be accepted and for any scraps the leader will give them.

-         The Ambassadors – Those associated to the leader but located in a different country or at least county – this makes it extremely difficult to meet the leader regularly or socially, but they often interact quite closely and likely to be extremely attractive. I tend to think in the group I observe these Ambassadors are the people the Leader fancies… they are often super fit, but not based in London, so they are no threat, but they help give kudos to the Leader.

-         The Foot Soldiers – These form the mass of the hysteria around the leader… they will defend them to the death, #FF them every week without fail, probably will never meet the leader, but might get a chance to meet the Deputies (and if they are lucky talk to them) but they will tweet them extensively and likely get responses.

-         And The Masses – this is everyone else that follows the gang – they wont interact but you will be expected to take note of what is said, and woe betide you if you dare to question the leader or their deputies because the full focus of the Tribe will destroy you.

 

However, wider than there are lots of personality types on twitter that fit into this tribe dynamic:

 

-         the Lone wolves – independents that float in and out of the Tribe, they might be aligned to them at some point, but they generally move alone, quite independent and wont cast their allegiance, most likely to be fairly intelligent, and can offer a lot of validation to a Leader if he can snare them. (Don’t all go thinking you’re lone wolf now!)

 

-         Mercenary – sell their love to anyone and everyone - whoever is the current flavour of the month.

 

-         The show man - The jester – the illusionist – these are my favourite characters on twitter because they are clearly a façade for someone’s comical outlet, or extremely flirty side, but some people take them very seriously, or are outraged by their duplicitous nature.  These guys are clearly there to entertain so I am not sure the issue.

 

-         The whore – these are also surprisingly (?) my favourite individuals or members of tribes because there is a pure honesty to what they offer and why there are there, but they are likely to appear vacuous if they don’t provide something more.  

 

-         The Crazy – there is a whole lot of crazy on twitter but some of them are truly epic – they love a good long rant, they love to start random fights, but then they like to be all nice and soft – their schizophrenia is amazing to watch but tiresome if you get involved.

 

But more importantly to me than the roles, is the politics. The Dukes flirting, undermining each other, vying for opportunities to grow their fan base… sometimes I think it is sub-conscious, but sometimes I think their intent is clear – they want to be Leader or be in the Leader’s bed and officially be the Lady of the Tribe. The foot-soldiers fighting for acknowledgement, the Consorts parading their wears for all to approve of! It really is like Game of Thrones. I whole heartedly approve, but step foot in that arena – no thanks – I don’t want to lead, I don’t want to bow to spend my time massaging someone’s ego over twitter. I think these games, politics and the roles transmit into the real world in our social groups… I always aim to be a Duke (it’s the safest place) – but oddly on twitter we almost invite people to watch it. I can’t wait for the rise of the next generation of Twitterati and because I think a challenge to the Leadership could have me fetching the popcorn and sitting in for a couple of weeks.

Guest Blog Two: Who am I?

Well I persuaded Liam to let me do a guest blog - god only knows why, I’m hardly the most interesting person in the world.

Or am I? After all, how someone portrays himself online can be quite different to how he is in reality. For all anyone knows, I could be typing this whilst snorting coke off a dwarf’s back (I’m not). And this is something I’ve quickly come to realise on twitter. What and how much we choose to share about ourselves can really change how we are seen.

When I’m interacting with other tweeters I sometimes wonder if what I’m seeing in those 140 characters is even remotely like the real person and sometimes it’s easy to draw the conclusion it’s not. I like person X on twitter, but what is he like in person?  Does person Y really do what he claims to do? Are there really enough hours in the day for person Z to get that much sex?

In some ways I think this can be a bit healthy. Twitter gives us an outlet for those aspects of our personalities we may normally repress a little. I’m a bit of a flirt but on twitter I’m much more flirty; on cruising apps like Scruff I will say things to guys I would never dream of saying to them in person, or am a lot more forward than I would be if I saw them in a bar. Everything in moderation, and all that.

However, it’s also easy to use this anonymity and selectiveness to build up - for want of a better phrase - a cult of personality. Just like in real life, twitter can be full of little cliques, and these cliques are often little fan clubs, with one central person having their egos fluffed, or occasionally a mutual appreciation society. Don’t get me wrong, I like being perked up or having a laugh with people, and like being retweeted or whatever, but I’ve deliberately tried not to post anything that comes across as needy; please twitter, love me, validate me, make me feel special. I don’t need that and have unfollowed several people for it (which in turn occasionally spawned its own little #gaydrama attention-whoredom).

It’s a fine line. On social networking sites, I want people to get to know the real me but equally like the opportunity to let that part of me that I normally put a lid on to run a little wild. I just hope I don’t wind up doing the exact opposite.

Guest Blog: Twitter: Relationship Heaven or Relationship Hell

This is my first blog. I am not a very confident writer, so I hope you all like it, if so I will blog again, if Liam allows.

For those of you who know me, you'll know all about my somewhat up and down relationship status.  Twitter is perhaps having an effect on this.  I wanted to write this blog about the effects on love that twitter clearly has.  My boyf does not read this, or use twitter. 

Before joining the twitterverse, I, like most people, who are not on twitter, could not see the point.  Why would someone want to write 140 characters.  However, I was wrong and quickly became addicted I started to build up those people who I now follow.  Weirdly I guess I start to like these people, whom I don’t really know and develop what can only be called a #twittercrush on some of them.  This cannot be a good thing – surely?

So, to the point.  I think that #twittercrush can cause relationship hell.  I see hot blokes everyday when I drive down the street or in the gym.  I don’t want to sleep with them, but I wouldn’t mind seeing them with their tops off.  If I asked them for this, I’d probably get punched, I would laugh if someone wanted to see me semi naked.  On twitter this rule doesn’t apply.  We all know of people on twitter who rarely wear much.  Good for those men, I encourage their confidence.  I flirt, tell people they are hot, play #hottieornottie and naturally start to want those bodies for myself (sometimes even the heads attached to them to be my real friends).  I encourage people to show me their chests and flirt.  Is making me want more than my bf?  He isn’t necessarily right for me, but am I becoming unrealistic as to what I really want and should be looking for?  Is twitter giving me unrealistic expectations and really not helping my already problematic body dimorphic image of myself.

Some couples are both on twitter, some probably open and flirty and some just because they like it and some of the attention (come on guys I love attention too) or perhaps because they enjoy twitter. It is so nice to see couples, who are completely in love, although a little sickening reading them chat to each other about what always appears the perfect life.  It can also create that #crushfail when you realise that the 2 blokes you’ve been chatting up are actually together.  I want their relationships, the laughs that they share with everyone else.  Don’t get me wrong, I do not want them or want to be them, I am just jealous of what it always appears that they have. 

Please don’t think I’m stupid, I’m not, I have a brain, a lot of friends and good emotional intelligence.  I know that all relationships are not what they seem.  I just wish that I would be stronger at not believing that they are just “perfect” and never doubt themselves.  I guess it is just a case of expecting perfection which just does not exist. 

For those people who live in genuine #relationshipheaven I am truly pleased for you.  For those of you who are genuinely in #relationshiphell but pretending I feel your pain.  Twitter is a place for fun and building up a #twittercrush, but in my opinion it cannot be a place where you can honestly judge the state of your relationship. 

Twinks, Bears and Muscle Marys eh?!

I have been inspired to write this following some comments on my last blog. I wasn’t exactly sure if they weren’t appreciated or whether people agreed with them, so I will go into greater depth on my thoughts. I will add the caveat I am not a psychologist and this is based on purely my observations, so I would welcome any feedback.



I think we as gay men tend to become quite tribal. This isn’t an unusual concept, it is quite basic theory that we form groups, and people are either in-group or out-group. It helps people bond, share similar interest, and a way of perceiving others in relation to oneself. But one of the basic things is that people derive self-esteem from being part of the in-group and proving you are better than others in the out-group. This is all very basic and I am probably not doing it justice but there are plenty of places to read up about it if you are interested.



I think (I highlight it’s my opinion please feel free to disagree and argue against me) that we as gay men tend to form tribes, or groups, evenly more heavily because we feel like an out-group of wider society. This sounds very negative, but I don’t mean it as a negative, forming groups and sub-groups is useful, but the issue arises for me when it isn’t useful and for instance they become adversarial or become absurd. The best two examples of this I can think of are Twinks as having an adversarial relation with the community and the Bear community (which I would put myself in) as becoming absurd – please don’t lynch me and cover me in veet and strip me of all membership.



The twink community is a very important one, often maligned by others and frankly it’s because we are all jealous. I know this will lead to arched eyebrows and pursed lips, but I think when we look at them we think the age old saying, “youth is wasted on the young” – we think they have had it easy, they didn’t suffer the same way we did, they don’t know they are born, they don’t know their own community history and yet there they are mincing around in their XXS tshirts, skinny jeans, and high top boots – all of which we would look ridiculous in. But actually these boys (as normally they are) probably are going through the same rubbish we did, except they get bashed on twitter, on facebook, in their village, at their job, by other twinks and by the whole community who refer to them with a voice of disdain. But lest we forget we were all young once and I am sure more than one of us used our youth as a tool to get what we wanted so let us not resent them for using it as their shield.



Our own contempt at the tangoed, overplucked eyebrow gay-faced youth (gay face is that overly pouty dead-eye look they give) causes them to be hostile… and boy can these be hostile. They sneer, they b*tch, they seem to mock pretty much everyone, the feeling of enmity rolling off them makes them pretty much unapproachable and you feel old, fat and not welcome. But actually I am pretty sure under all the make-up, the AllSaints fashion and the designer underwear are young boys protecting themselves and their group. But I can’t help feel a bit sorry for them, because in ten years max they will have to hang-up their sparkly tshirts, get a proper haircut, go to the gym just to stay average and the horror of horrors decide which group they are going to try to belong to, or face the ultimate evil of being an old wannabe twink – the most maligned of them all. So my suggestion with them is try not to be so unsympathetic to them, and maybe just maybe they will crack a smile (with you, not at you).



*deep breath* *deep breath*



Ok, this is probably my most controversial part of the post – so bear with me (pun intended) whilst I speak about the Bears. I have a lot of love for Bearish community although I often find them to be slightly pessimistic, cynical, defensive and self imposed loners (of course this is a complete generalisation but it is based on my experiences).



I would technically describe myself as a cub (I think) but this is partly where the problem comes. When I was but a young hairy man there seemed to be 3 categories: Bears, Cubs, Chasers. That I could understand, and normally they were fairly easily spotted: Bear – Older, larger, generally top (although not always), hairy, possibly bearded or some facial hair; Cub – younger, smaller but above average, generally btm (although again not always), hairy, and generally some facial hair; Chasers – everyone else that fancied bears or cubs. Got it, easy peasy, makes sense, and I can follow it. But as I have got older it seems that these three sub-groups are no longer enough we have pups, otters, wolves, tigers, seals, muscle varieties of all of them – and this to me seems a step too far.



Ok we get it, you may not be a classical bear – you might not be large (fat), you might not be hairy, but is there a need to start forming sub-groups on our sub-groups? I personally think this is because the bears love a badge – I think they have found quite a sense of belonging under the Bear flag, which is particularly hard in a wider community that mainly promotes slim, defined, young men as the ideal. However for those that don’t fit neatly into the Bear category they have had to branch out into the animal kingdom however there is nonsense to this when the various sub-groups start to become adversarial because the whole idea of the Bear flag is to be inclusive. Oddly when you pour a lot of alcohol and bears, cubs, otters, the whole farmyard into a club (XXL) and stir well you get possibly the friendliest and most welcoming group I have ever encountered. However, in my youth I found especially online, hidden in their dens, I would get a lot of “you’re not a bear” or “you’re not a cub” from the classic bears to my advances, and anyone with the word muscle in their name would outright ignore me…! Of course they don’t have to fancy me, they don’t have want to be my best friend but don’t push me out of the group. This over the years (and the fact I find them very pessimistic) has led me to feel completely outside the bear community – I don’t feel any hostility towards them, but I don’t feel like I belong with them either, which is a shame as when I was growing up they were meant to be my refuge.



So now you’re thinking I am a bitter little hairy fat boy that was included in the gang – and maybe yeah I am – but I think we have all been the outsider so I think maybe we shouldn’t do it to each other. *Vom* Cheesefest! More importantly the bears or their kin can make it to me by sending naked self-pics to…



P.S. In relation to twitter I think these groups still exist, there are lots of various hashtags to show affiliation and new groups pop up all the time. But in the ever fluid world of twitter the boundaries seem to blur and it gets ever more complicated, but this chaos leads to a bit more openness – which I quite like - that is unless you’re #teamgaga against #teammadonna then there is no reconciliation.



P.P.S This isn’t an underhand dig at those with animal usernames on twitter or that are part of any of the communities… call yourself whatever you want.

Shameless Self Promo? The need for a blog

I have been inspired to write this blog entry by those people that have really put themselves out there on their on blogs and by the fact that I often feel I contradict myself on here and on twitter and I might be getting some negative reaction to it.

I blog about those that chat via twitter and yet I do it myself, I blog about Hero worshippers yet I feel a buzz when I get a reply from the Clapham Elite (please refer to my other blogs - this isn't a bitchy comment) - but I try to include everyone that replies on twitter, and I get a buzz when most people reply... but I suppose I wanted to explain my motivation for needing to blog and explain myself a little more.

My need comes from two factors a) I cant get my point across succinctly enough on Twitter, b) the need to be loved but struggle to put myself out there. The issue being I have a major issue with people embarrassing me, so although I enjoy a bit of self promotion and flirting and chatter of Twitter, I have a real issue with people reigning supreme, untouchable, and being able to pass judgement - this issue is because I fear they will pass judgement on me publicly and humiliate me. I don’t mind if people talk about me, slag me off, or generally put me down, but I do loathe it when a passion when someone sets you up for a fail, especially when the power is unfairly distributed. I think it’s cruel and unnecessary and will evoke from me a personal rage that little else you could do to me would. This fear of embarrassment causes me to be a little shy mainly because I fear I am going to embarrass myself, or people wont understand my humour or that people will mock me. Don’t get me wrong some my best friends and our relationships are based on taking the mick out of each other, and me and my boyfriend seem to be in a perpetual cycle of mocking each other – but there is a difference to sarcasm and mocking, to revelling in the failure of another and drawing everyone’s attention to it.

At the same time I enjoy being popular - who doesn't? Yeah, we don't all seek fame and fortune, we don't all want crowds to part and stare in awe, but we all generally want to be part of the in-group rather than the out-group. We don't want to be social outcasts and I personally think this comes from some small part from being gay and why we form cliques and sub-categories of our own community (Bears, Twinks, Muscle Marys but that's probably for another blog) - and why we are all on Twitter. Let's face it, being on twitter is a little bit of an ego fluffer and makes us feel part of something, and there is nothing wrong with that, and I would say writing a blog is probably the next step of narcissism... almost saying "I cant share all my gift in a limited number of characters, I have much more to tell you." But some see Twitter and a blog as almost the cowards way out - it's easy for us all to be popular, cool, witty, sexy, flirty when we are at distance, they cant see your outbreak of spots, your bad hair day, your pillow-face - they see the pictures you post (NB. we all know that when you lift your arms in a pic it makes your arms look good, your chest and stomach flat - that doesn't fool anyone) - and therefore we only see what we put forward. (Although I am surprised that some people actually decide to put themselves forward as FRANTIC for a boyfriend or as angry psychos starting fights all over the place). But I think people are too quick to dismiss these persona's, after all its what we want to put forward - I might not be able to always live up to mine but there is definitely an element of the gregarious LiamSE21 in the real Liam.

Therefore although I would go to a tweetup I wouldn’t be the person striding forward to say hello, I would in fact fall back into a place of quiet observation, checking everyone and seeing how people are. People sometimes think I am therefore quiet and a bit introspective, but in fact if I am out with my friends I am happy to lead and be in their limelight. I suppose the point of this is that if I see you out I might not say hello – because the thought of you turning your nose up (even if you are the sweetest person in all the world and it would be something you would never do - it wont matter as the fear is irrational) makes my insides go weird. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to say hello or that I am bit weird and shy, I just cant get over that irrational fear of rejection.

So if you see me out - I am not ignoring you, there is a good chance I have spotted you but I will rationalise not coming up to you by saying I don't want to disturb you! So come disturb me and now I hope when I say I really appreciate you reading my blog you know that I really mean it.

Body Issues

Recently (especially today) I have realised that I must have terrible body dysmorphia, or I assume I must or I have really kind friends that are trying to spare my feelings. I think actually the problem is a bit of both.



I like many of you was the fat kid, mix that with hardcore braces (including the elastic bands and the night headwear to make you look Silence of the Lambs chique) through my teenage years, an early onset of hairiness – I did not feel attractive. I wasn’t under any illusion, I knew as a young homo that I was ok – I wasn’t a total minger but I wasn’t ever going to be one of the beautiful people. I could dress myself fairly well, and I knew what suited me although I did (and do) have a tendency for monochromatic colours, and shirts are a staple in my wardrobe. However my body issues go deep… so this isn’t a simple tale.



I have a real issue with my man-boobs – moobs. As a weighty teenager I was really aware of them, and when I had my sternum broken after getting beaten up (long story – another blog I am sure) I felt like my chest was a bit deformed. I remember at 17 having a stand up row with my mum in the middle of high street when she told me to stop slouching and I said “well you’d slouch too if you had these” pointing to my A-cup.  So they have always been something to hide from the world – I loved it when cardigans came in, and then checked shirts, because in those I felt comfortable as I felt they could hide a lot. I like less any floaty material that clings as it seems to want to hit my moobs and outline them beautifully for the world… and then deliciously cup my muffin top to give me that full figure womanly silhouette . Over the years I have learned to accept them and at the moment I don’t mind them… as in I am not as sensitive that I won’t wear a t-shirt (there was a time) without having 15 layers over it even at the height of summer.



But it does feel that as one started to fade away I am now obsessed with my “back-fat” and my muffin top – I tend to think a muffin top is caused by people trying to force themselves into trousers or jeans that are too tight, but I just seem to have a back muffin top… my stomach has always been ok – not flat by any means, but not a beer gut. My boyfriend says I have curved hips, and therefore my bum naturally sticks out and causes a bit of a shelf… but to me it just looks a mess.



Weight loss has always been a bit of a bug bear – my best friend managed to get me to start the gym last year and I have been going, done various classes etc, but I have hit a bit of wall… this year for me also came the double blow of having to shave my hair… although everyone said it wasn’t that noticeable my hair started thinning. This was a big deal for me, I loved my hair, literally loved it… I was obsessed by it… I could be quite queeny when it came to it. But now I have shaved it and I feel a bit freer, which is nice, and I apparently look more masculine which is good – but this has given me the push to also really work on my body and get it how I want it. So the challenge is on… to get a good body – I don’t want to be perfect, have washboard stomach, I don’t want to have “the guns” and point to the beach… I just want to have a body I am happy with.



The problem with this is that there is so much advice – every single person has a different top tip, a great diet, some exercise you should do, some food group you should avoid, and then there are the pacifists saying “you look good”, “don’t worry”, “just have one more cheeseburger”, and then there the antagonists saying “should you be eating that?”, “I thought you were on a diet?”, “been to the gym today?”. It makes my head spin… so for now I am going to focus on diet (lowering my carb intake as its pretty high) and following an exercise regime – so please bear with me  - I might tweet a lot of nonsense or have breakdowns when I don’t get to my targets… but I pray I don’t “check-in” at the gym every 3 seconds, and I don’t start pompously publishing every bit of weight loss… If I do feel free to give me beatings.

TwitterFlirt

When I first joined twitter I wasn't quite sure what to expect - would people being making insightful witty remarks, or just constantly making mundane statements about "doing the shopping" - what I didn't expect was all the flirting.

I have followed mainly gay men, and I have followed porn stars and picture-sharers so I knew there would be a degree of sex in my timeline, but I thought this would be detached and very little interaction. And at first any flirting was light hearted and jovial - pleasant exchanges of "nice pic" - casual references to each other being a hottie, sexy, cutie - all of which are very nice to hear - I have to admit I felt good to have people I didn't know and rated as being attractive flirting with me gave me an ego boost.

Then the next step - I mentioned my boyfriend and to some it stopped the flirting dead, to others it was like a red rag to a bull... I found both responses quite interesting as to those that stopped outright it was as if at the mention of a boyfriend I had immediately stopped being a sexual person, and some even seemed a little hostile - like I should be the first thing I say - almost like I had wasted their time talking to them on twitter. Whereas those that seemed to enjoy me having a boyfriend seemed obsessed with threesomes, about me being "naughty" (err I am not 5... I stopped being "naughty" a long time ago), and seemed to think I was open to just about everything (I can confirm I am not). And both reactions came from people of various ages, in couples and singles... but more often I found the singles would be hostile and the couples would be more direct.

I have no problem with this at all - all these reactions are completely normal and understandable - but what shocked me was that it was from Twitter... because although I have seen some flirting on it in my early days it was mainly among groups or people that I assumed were actual friends. The only two problems I have are:

• that its all done a bit undercover and its almost like we are hiding that we are in fact flirting with each other...because if I were to tweet "I am horny" then I reckon  most serious responses would come back as a Direct Message rather than a Public Reply... and yet there is nothing wrong with it boys - admittedly Twitter isn't Grindr and shouldn't be used as such, but a bit of open flirting is fun and harmless, so just because I have a boyfriend don't assume I am dead from the waist down, and just because I am flirting with you don't think I have a sex dungeon and will be willing to be tied to the chandelier, or in fact I will do anything with you other than have a drink... its fun to flirt... and it don't hurt anyone.
• the more offensive thing to me is when people will flirt with some but then turn into Mary Whitehouse when others flirt with them. I understand some single people might not like people in couples flirting with them, but just stop flirting, don't clutch at your pearls and declare that no such thoughts every pass your virginal mind. And if it's just because you don't fancy them then I think it's even worse... so someone that you don't fancy is flirting with you - they are not buying the wedding rings... so if you cant bring yourself to flirt back then at least don't cut them off and then start flirting with the Hotties.

I have realised that everyone flirts and some people get quite "into it" on Twitter but lets not be embarrassed, lets just enjoy it. It's only twitter.

Time to get over it?!

I like many people have be come sadly addicted to twitter - the minute I think of something witty, a mini-rant, or just have no-one next to me to tell and a thought pops into my head, I will tweet it. I warn you my tweets aren't exactly interesting.

However recently I have fallen a little out of love with Twitter, due to peoples obsession with unfollowing and following - loads of people seem to farm for followers which to me is a complete waste of time because if most of your tweets are about getting followers then it's boring - a bit of advise is if you follow a lot of people you get a lot of followers. Now I am no expert but I think that is how it's meant to work. Or heaven forbid you actually have something witty or interesting to say and people will naturally want to follow you. Two of the people that I follow with the most followers are two straight men that talk sex (A LOT) and are quite happy to interact with us gays... they cater to their audience.... the other person I follow with a lot of followers has guns that Saddam would be jealous of and is witty - it doesn't hurt that he is part of the cool boys of Clapham (Clapham Elite - its said with love before you all say I am a jealous bitch) - but that's not all he is - he isn't one dimensional. Some people could learn a lot from him.

Next to the obsession with getting followers is an obsession with unfollowers (as it were) - so I decide to unfollow you - what you going to do? Unfollow me? Go ahead, it wont cry at night - but also don't hark on about it. I understand that people want to know who has unfollowed them to a point, but then don't tweet about it - because it rather suggests you care a lot... and no matter how much you protest you are unbothered I would argue that you wouldn't check, tweet it and go into a conversation about it - and then if someone dares to question you on it go insane - they I do declare that you protest too much and I think a) you're a bit of a psycho, b) you get a lot of self worth from how many people you don't know read your brain farts.... bad times. The only thing you can do which is worse is declare "this is a private conversation" - because when you do this my blood pressure goes through the roof and I want to get a Twitter for Dummies Manual and explain to you what Twitter is and the very basic fact that everyone can read your tweets unless you block them or protect them. Twitter isn't Private - that's kinda the point!

So in conclusion its only Twitter, don't take it so seriously, don't block so much, follow and unfollow with gay abandon... I have followed and unfollowed someone twice now (he didn't get any better) and one of the people I am not keen on is pretty much universally loved so his name still features a surprising amount in my timeline - but I don't freak out about it - its not that poor boys fault that even his name can make me cringe... and if you are going to be worried about who unfollows you and you are desperate to build your fan base then at least have the balls to be open about it. Remember Followers doesn't equal Friends or Fans.

Nemesis

Ever since I was a young man I have enjoyed having a nemesis. You might find this odd because you are one of those people that enjoys "making friends" and doesn't like to argue, and tries to get on with everyone - well I can tell you now we aren't going to get on.

I find it somewhat exhilarating to hate someone with a passion, to find every small fault they have and tear it apart, have the little rants in your head (I know I don't sound very sane) and come up with the killer quips, and celebrate every tiny misfortune they have. I know this sounds petty but normally I pick a nemesis with care... I wont just pick someone at random for some small slight - like they barged me out of the way on a train although that does get the thought of carrying a rocket propelled grenade launcher whirling through my head... but I'll pick them for a heinous crimes against me personally that I deem unforgivable.

Here is a brief summary of some of my favourites:

1. At School I had two - which isn't bad for all years at school and both were my friends and I felt betrayed me.

• Laura - She was probably  my closest friend in my first 4 years at secondary school, but there was a slight problem. I was a homo - I may not have known it at the time but it caused a real tension between us. I think she always thought I was madly in love with her but I wasn't (obviously). In fact I enjoyed gossiping with her and chatting with the other girls, but I mainly did it because she was the fat girl of the 'Cool Girl Gang' and it was my only way to be vicariously cool and protected from anyone that might be tempted to bully me for being a big mo! Her mistake was to try to turn on me and throw me to the wolves of the bullies in the school by one week declaring she thought I was gay. Obviously by doing this she left me effectively friendless and open to the bullies - luckily I was no shrinking violet so I managed to survive, but I never forgot. In many years to come I was able to repay her in kind when we were in sixthform and I managed to find out she had cheated on her boyfriend - although I never told anyone (at the time) I let her know I knew. I enjoyed her squirming and eventually she was forced to come clean which in sixthform was equivalent of painting the Scarlet Letter on her chest and sending her through the village in stocks.
• Howard - He was my best friend through most of GCSE's and he later turned out to be gay, but he stabbed me in the back twice, and the first I forgave but the 2nd I took personally. The first time was when he left me to walk home alone, across a park in which he knew the boys that had been in there were rough and likely to start trouble. Needless to say they did and I ended up in hospital, and I was told by others that he knew it would be trouble and left but at the time I didn't want to believe it. The 2nd time I couldn't  forgive him because he effectively did the same thing Laura did, one day he turned around and said "I am going to play football with the other boys" - even though it was a well known fact we were both rubbish at football and so we annoyed the other boys more than anything - he stopped sitting with me in class, and we pretty much never spoke again. Once we left school he told someone that he did that because he realised he was gay and thought it would be worse to be around me, he thought if he could be around the other boys that played sports he might not turn out gay. Sadly for us all it didn't work as he was and is a total minger - so doesn't add to our ranks - but I never forgave him. So years later whilst I was home from Uni - revenge is always better with a bit of distance -  I heard from our joint friend that he was still a virgin and that his mum told him that she accepted he was gay but he was never to mention it, I made sure I went to the next reunion and regaled everyone with stories of my accepting family, including my mother (who was well known for being a dragon, and calling the Headmaster a cunt) and rubbing it so far in his face that I almost made myself a little sick. Ok, ok - its not pretty but I felt a sudden relief from the hurt he had dolled out on me and the loneliness I felt as a 16-18yo with no close friends which I placed firmly at his door.

2 Uni Years

• Lucy - In my first year at Uni I lived in halls, where you only shared a Kitchen with 6 people, most of them international mature students, but I was lucky (or so I thought) as I had a girl right next door who seemed fairly similar to me. We decided to go on the hunt for other first years and quickly found a few. It was an exciting time to meet new people and for me my first chance to tell people I was gay (or Bi to begin with - ha ha) and no-one knew me as the buck-tooth braces wearing fatty with the hairy legs. We didn't do much in our first week as the 2nd and 3rd years had already bought all the tickets to everything and had managed to fill the bars to the brim. But over the coming weeks we met more and more people and as usual I was the only boy with about 10 girls as friends. At first I really liked Lucy, she was a bit naive, tended to started any story of her past with "when I worked at Strawberry Moons in Harlow..." and called her vitamin D supplements her "sunshine pills", and seemed a bit man-mad so I felt like we could get along. Unfortunately (for her) she had other ideas about us being friends, she started arranging nights out and either telling me they were "girls-only" or pretended she invited me to the other girls. At first I took this on the chin, as I assumed this was the way it would be but the other girls were outraged and started to invite me along. Obviously I was a little negative about her then... taking the piss out of her sunshine pills, which if she forgot to take she would feel down...?!?!? Luckily my now best friend saw straight through her and told us she was clearly working us against each other, as she had been slagging us all off to each other and trying to create tension. She was particularly hard on me and one other girl (probably the most unstable of all people I have met) and she was almost cruel - unfortunately this got me to red mist stage and as she said in my presence "I don't know if I agree with gays, it seems a bit wrong" I decided I would show her how wrong we could be. So just before our first term broke up and she had been particularly cruel to other girl I told her what I thought of her, called her out on her underhand tactics, that no one cared what happened at Strawberry moons, and most of all I thought she was a total Cunt, and if she crossed me again it would be the last thing she did. Over Dramatic I know but I was still awash with hormones and I felt wronged. It turned out worse for her as she had failed pretty much everything (she was quite dim) and decided not to come back to Uni after Christmas.
• Deborah and Karin - This is a bit of a long story but these are the two girls me and my best friend (KT) lived with in our second year - needless to say it turned incredibly nasty but this tale I will leave for another blog as otherwise it might become an epic. Needless to say though we got our revenge and became the best of friends through it.

3. At work

•  I have had a lot of work nemesis' but my recent one is my favourite because he is so smug and we have actually had a falling out where we will actively avoid having any contact with each other including being in the same lift. My issue with him was because he told a senior director in a pub that I had shagged a new guy on my team in the office stairwell. Now I may have made this rod for my own back because earlier in the evening at someones leaving reception I had been joking with the other numerous gays in my directorate about who we would and wouldn't do, but this was clearly jesting and clearly for the group. Everyone was taking part including my nemesis and I happened to say that I would do the new boy on my team, as he joined the group discussion (mainly to try to embarrass him but he is as shameless as me) and I said "I'd do it on the stairwell." Unfortunately my nemesis not only told the senior director but also the office gossip, who spread it quicker than I thought humanly possible, the sad and annoying fact was that it was done all very maliciously - not one person spoke to me about it, or discussed it with me, it was completely done as spiteful hurtful gossip to making me look both predatory and unprofessional, and in these difficult times it was the last thing I needed. So I bide my time... and wait ....

4. twitter nemesis - I don't actually have twitter nemesis but I have a few people on there that have set my teeth on edge, and I am not going to name them because that would be fair. To qualify as my nemesis they'd have to have done something personally against me - one of them came close by (I felt) trying to embarrass me for unfollowing him, but I think really he came off looking more foolish than anything - because he must have checked who unfollowed him and then checked my timeline to see if I had said anything about him. Unfortunately he sent me a public message referring to a message I put out earlier and unfortunately for him it was nothing to do with him so I was cringing for him.

I really enjoy having a nemesis, it's good for me to to actively dislike someone, and turn rage towards. I know it probably sounds a little too dark for some of you and it probably makes me sound unhinged, but I think it is healthy to dislike people, and I think in some ways it is a compliment to these people as I would rather be considered as someones nemesis than to not be considered at all. But one word of warning is that you shouldn't have too many enemies (as I did at school at one point), or nemesis' because then you have to consider is it all of them at fault or you?

Dating in the Dark!

Two of my friends are having dating dilemmas – one (my best friend) has over the last couple of years thrown herself into the mix and found it exciting but emotional, the other has been single for 8+ years and not had a date – so we are trying to convince her that internet dating is the way forward.

Unfortunately she is understandably nervous and wont commit to signing up, and partly because she has seen what my best friend has been through she feels like she doesn’t understand the rules of engagement and is a bit “in the dark” about how it works. So along with my best friend we have come up with some simple dating rules that I thought I’d share (from my stance of a smug coupledom), as I know a lot of my gay friends have been burnt by online dating and they seem to make “schoolboy errors”, and I thought you could add anything we have missed :

1. Don’t trust a thing they say.

Now this may seem cynical, but from the outset you don’t know these people and therefore to trust them completely as some seem to is a definite error. Of course they are charming, witty, relaxed, sociable, “into winter sports” and share all your interests, but in reality this is probably a complete lie – don’t forget they are actually trying to charm you.

2. Understand they may not trust you.

My best friend was horrified when someone asked how recent her picture was and whether she could send any more – I think this is fairly standard practice in the gay world and wouldn’t be seen as such a social faux pas – but still it does happen that people turn up and the person’s picture was actually taken in the 80s and since they have eaten… A LOT. In my misspent youth I fell victim to this trap a few times, so I would quickly ask for a recent picture, and wouldn’t be offended if someone questioned me to the nth degree about my waist size, chest size, how hairy I was, where I was hairy… its basically a way of not wasting everyone’s time.

3. Don’t engage in long drawn out conversations (with one caveat)

This is a difficult one to learn and can be a bit of a double edged sword. If you engage in long drawn out conversations online then you can get to the point where you get flirty, and you feel really comfortable, but then you set yourself up for a fail when you meet and there is no spark. Making the “I’m not into you” conversation even harder. However, if you arrange a date without having some discussion you could end up wasting 3 hours of your life on a date with someone you loathe. However, I do think if you are really nervous I think building up a good rapport online will take away a lot of the angst … so for those people I suggest the long-haul conversations.

4. Don’t get too drunk on the date

Although I think drinking does a lot to take away the nerves it also has the problem of clouding your judgement, making you forget almost everything they said, and making you lose all you inhibitions and decorum so you end up snogging people in the middle of Victoria Station in a gross sloppy groppy way, which frankly is wrong no matter what sexuality you are.

5. Get down to it

Aside from when incredibly drunk I don’t think there is a problem with getting down to it on a first date. I did with my bf of 5 years, and lots of my friends shagged their long term partner on their first date so never fear, but it does mean you have to be a more adult, and a bit more open and be ready for them not to call you up the next day.

6. Get heartbroken and get over it

I think it’s really important to dive into these things and really experience them and make sure that you’re open to getting your heartbroken, because surely its better that than worrying about it and never having even tried. But then an important factor is the getting over it… do it… man up and brush yourself off because ultimately there are plenty more guys out there – if you need to take revenge on the man that let you down, go on holiday with your mates, get drunk, eat ice-cream, text them in the night and call them c*nt but get make sure you get over it.

The above is mainly my interpretation from my best friend’s experience but I feel she summed it up more eloquently with the following:

·         Be prepared for a LOT of attention but with the majority from a LOT of weirdos.
·         Don’t expect to meet the love of your life on there.
·         Be realistic- most people on there are just looking for s**.
·         Be savvy- lots of people totally fabricate stuff for their profiles, grossly exaggerate or downright lie. Don’t believe everything they tell you. I think there is some serious photo-shopping of people onto ski slopes going on……..
·         Don’t chat to people with only one photo. Even mutants can take one good photo.
·         Be aware that lots of allegedly tall men may be on stilts/standing on the yellow pages.
·         Learn the lingo- ‘I’d like to meet you for good times’= s**. ‘I’d like to look into your eyes and recite poetry’= will bury you in a bath of sand.
·         Delete any who ask you to add them to FB/text them etc immediately.
·         Be aware that all men are c**** at the end of the day and will lead you on and then trample on your heart.

So ends today’s lesson.

Time for someone to take a break from dating I think!

Anyway I would welcome advice and suggestions from everyone…

Why I love to hate Twitter Part 3 (final)

3. People using Twitter as a chat room

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that although a MICROBLOG app, Twitter, can by its nature be used for a multitude of things including for chat between friends – even I chat to my friends via long rambling replies… however my issue is the etiquette of Twitter is not accepted by some. This is my personal etiquette so feel free to disagree.

My Twitter etiquette means that if you are having a public discussion with a friend about something / anything and others interrupt it, or join in then you should include them – not carry on the conversation and cut them out; after all you are having the discussion in a public forum. Otherwise to me it speaks of the popular kids having a discussion on the playground that you are allowed to hear, and laugh about, but not join in… oh no… you’re not welcome to join… just worship from afar.

This grudge could because I have a complete issue with being excluded, but I don’t understand some people’s tendency to have either personal conversations, or catch up with friends, and then seem miffed at people throwing their two pennies in – I actually feel like typing “you do realise we can see what you’re tweeting!”.

This issue of boundaries and people seemingly using twitter wrongly (in my opinion) also extends to having relationship discussions or breakdowns on Twitter – if you are not getting on then for the love of god don’t tweet it to that person… because frankly it makes me want to curl up into a ball and die of embarrassment for you and I lose any respect I may have had. Sure it’s fine to whinge and whine about people, but don’t have arguments across twitter – its almost as bad as people on Facebook sharing every part of their relationship from the moment they smuggly click “in a relationship” to the point where they angrily declare on their wall “I never loved you anyway” and their relationship status is hidden.

So my response here is two fold:

a) if you have a conversation on a public forum, include those that add something

b) never have delicate relationship discussions in public.

4. Hero worshippers

This section will probably upset some of the “nice guys” (because they are generally nice guys) and the “heroes”  but again this rant is probably my own insecurity and jealously, so don’t take it to heart if you feel I am talking about you and fee free to discuss with me.

There are certain cliques on twitter, there are the celebs, semi-celebs, porn stars, friendship groups, media luvies… it goes on and on, and many of us are members of lots. Within these cliques certain heroes come out – because they are funny, or inspiring, or witty, or intelligent, or rude… whatever – they can be virtual saints. But when they tweet there is always a certain group of people who sit on the fringe of the clique that always feel need to reply to everything they write – whether it be actually interesting or not. And my issue with this is that these people are never invited into the “group” – not really, they are kept at arms length, and they never will be. Now this isn’t just a problem with Twitter, it happens everywhere. Normally my pride stops me from chasing these “heroes” approval – I have a few I really want to like me, that I really want to validate my twitter experience – one that I tend to reply with stupid moronic responses which make me super-cringe, and I cant help myself. But after a few non-responses I have severely cut that down.

The reason I hate this is because I feel like Twitter should be a place where everyone can be part of a clique, and one of the Heroes of their group, but instead the social stigmas stick – the beautiful are raised on high, and the intelligent are respected, the funny are popular, and those that feel that they are just not quite good enough scratch around for the scraps of a response.

So my message is here – no matter how many responses and DMs you get, try to respond, make someone feel like you are bothered, after all they bother to follow you and without them you’re tweeting no-one. And if you are a “nice guy” then don’t feel you have to only ever respond, put your own thoughts out there!

After that sanctimonious trite I fully expect to lose all my followers for being a high-horsey idiot and I plan to kill myself for being so cheesy – but the sentiment is there.

Twitter Why I love to hate you Part 2

2. Wannabe Celebs (only famous on Twitter)  acting in "Blue Peter" mode

There are lots of wannabe celebs out there and that is fine, it's a perfectly acceptable life choice to want to be famous. The odd case arises where people seem to want to become famous on Twitter, obviously before I ventured on Twitter I never realised this even existed, you dont hear of "twitter superstar xxx" but once you are on you are bombarded with people asking you to follow them, retweet them, automatic DMs telling you they are grateful for your follow etc etc. Again, I dont have a problem with this, everyone to some degree loves to be loved, and why not on twitter where you can be whatever you want to be - you can be the whitty, charming, funny cad about town flirting with everyone.

My issue is with a very certain type of wannabe celeb on twitter - these are the people that maintain a somewhat Saintly and Whiter than White persona. They dont swear, they dont slag anyone or anything off, they are against everything they should be, they are environmentally friendly, they are pretty much the perfect Blue Peter presenter in the making - they are so wholesome even a Nun would have to look away after a while.... Also as almost everyone I follow is gay - if they are gay - then they are sanitised version of gay - no talk of sex whatsoever - so you can guarantee that talk of fisting and gloryholes is met with shock and horror - even though we all know it goes on - They are the Will Young of Gay.

The problem with this person is it's completely false. I dont pretend to be all-knowing, but in my life I have never met anyone that can keep up a charade of happy clappy 'love the world and everyone in it' persona. Eventually they crumble, and in fact hidden behind the charade is quite a mean little person, who has a lot of prejudices. They will often use barbed comments, or double-edged compliments in public which they can easily defend as "jokes" or "they dint mean it like that" - but their intent is clear, and I wish I could call them out on it more without being vilified by all of Twitter - maybe I am just cynical and I don't trust these people from the outset. I have more respect for someone that openly dislikes something, and is brutal and honest, or defends something that isn't popular.

My problem isn't that these people want to be friends with the world, or that they want to be famous on twitter, or that they try to have continually nice persona's on twitter - my problem is that this persona is a persona  - its not real. Yet they try to maintain it, and they even present it in public - even a Blue Peter presenter swears, probably has their own opinion on things... but these people keep this charade up and maintain they are the nicest people on twitter and in real life - when really I don't think they are the nicest people on their street.

My unfortunate situation is that these persona's are universally well liked on twitter - so you cant challenge them because even those that fashion themselves as the "Mean Girls" of twitter completely love the "Blue Peter Presenters"  because it only highlights how they are totally mean, and they like to swear, and they are the bad'uns. So to be ostracised or to get over it, and just cringe when they write they "love the Royals, want to be besties with Pippa, hate Mugabe, think the Pope is Evil, and will you follow me" ....

Well I still follow them ... so clearly I am weak, but for the record I dont think the Pope is necessarily evil.

Twitter why I love to hate you part1

This is my first blog, and first entry so be gentle with me - it will no doubt turn out to be a rant but that's what I am using this for.

I like most people have good friends to rant at but there are certain rants I want to make public because it seems fair when everyone else is doing it.

I blame my current rant on my friend and colleague @michaelcoeuk - because he introduced me to Twitter. At first I felt I could give or take Twitter, the random thoughts of people including "I am sleepy" and "I am bored" or celebrities shamelessly promoting every small thing they do.

However, after a boring night in (like tonight), I followed a lot more people (300+) and my timeline became a lot more interesting. However I have recently spend untold hours bending @michaelcoeuk ear about all the things I hate about twitter - and justifying to myself why I continue to go on there. So here is my first and major one which I am sure I will come back to:

1. The Attention Seekers
Now I know you're probably thinking it highly ironic that a blogger should have a problem with attention seekers, because I am seeking your attention by blogging, but this is a very certain type of attention seeker. Those that dont actually have an issue or problem, but love to get the attention of followers and have semi bipolar tendancies. I think Americans call it "Histrionic Personality Disorder" - and bascially means the person has a need to be approved either through flirting and praise, or through saying open ended statements that require the audience to investigate further... some favourites includes "I feel exhausted by it all...", "I am sad...", "I need a cuddle" or you get the slightly angrier ones that say things like "I hate it when they let me down", or "I hate you right now" - with no explaination to who it is aimed at.

These open statements beg a response from their followers and drive me insane. Because certain kind hearted souls will always and constantly respond because they want to help or because they enjoy being the hero - either way it's entirely tiresome, because at the end of the conversation it turns out there really isn't a problem. No they havent got cancer, they havent had a death in the family, they havent lost their job, their house, their relationship hasnt ended, etc etc... I know sometimes the smaller things can upsetting, but with these people it is done in such an attention grabbing way. It doesnt even cause me to blink if someone says "shit! ive just left my wallet on the bus!" because it explains the problem and actually makes you feel sorry for the person but an open ended statement makes me cringe.....

Similarly these people will often engage in extensive flirting (which on Twitter is never private) and yet never want to be sexual but keep the use statements or actions that would normally be found in relationships, so there are lots of  "cuddles", "hugs", "slow kisses", "deep snogs" etc etc - but if in conversation the person becomes sexual the attention seeker backs off - and claims innocence and that they are virtually a virgin. They also undoubtly have extensive relationship history which they boldly tell everyone about and which is almost always more tragic than Bridget Jones could ever dream of. And the thing that makes me cringe the most is that if they start a new relationship then be prepared for every moment of it to be lived out live on Twitter - every doubt, every high, every low... the lack of shame is amazing - but they also want people (followers) to slightly dislike the new love interest to reaffirm their importance.

I think that the real reason these people annoy me is that when people try to give these attention seekers good advice it is either boldly ignored, or just given lip service... and that is when you know the person just enjoys the attention and it's time to accept it or click unfollow.

Coming soon...

2. Wannabe Celebs (only famous on Twitter) acting in "Blue Peter" mode
3. People using Twitter as a chat room
4. Hero worshippers