I have been inspired to write this following some comments on my last blog. I wasn’t exactly sure if they weren’t appreciated or whether people agreed with them, so I will go into greater depth on my thoughts. I will add the caveat I am not a psychologist and this is based on purely my observations, so I would welcome any feedback.
I think we as gay men tend to become quite tribal. This isn’t an unusual concept, it is quite basic theory that we form groups, and people are either in-group or out-group. It helps people bond, share similar interest, and a way of perceiving others in relation to oneself. But one of the basic things is that people derive self-esteem from being part of the in-group and proving you are better than others in the out-group. This is all very basic and I am probably not doing it justice but there are plenty of places to read up about it if you are interested.
I think (I highlight it’s my opinion please feel free to disagree and argue against me) that we as gay men tend to form tribes, or groups, evenly more heavily because we feel like an out-group of wider society. This sounds very negative, but I don’t mean it as a negative, forming groups and sub-groups is useful, but the issue arises for me when it isn’t useful and for instance they become adversarial or become absurd. The best two examples of this I can think of are Twinks as having an adversarial relation with the community and the Bear community (which I would put myself in) as becoming absurd – please don’t lynch me and cover me in veet and strip me of all membership.
The twink community is a very important one, often maligned by others and frankly it’s because we are all jealous. I know this will lead to arched eyebrows and pursed lips, but I think when we look at them we think the age old saying, “youth is wasted on the young” – we think they have had it easy, they didn’t suffer the same way we did, they don’t know they are born, they don’t know their own community history and yet there they are mincing around in their XXS tshirts, skinny jeans, and high top boots – all of which we would look ridiculous in. But actually these boys (as normally they are) probably are going through the same rubbish we did, except they get bashed on twitter, on facebook, in their village, at their job, by other twinks and by the whole community who refer to them with a voice of disdain. But lest we forget we were all young once and I am sure more than one of us used our youth as a tool to get what we wanted so let us not resent them for using it as their shield.
Our own contempt at the tangoed, overplucked eyebrow gay-faced youth (gay face is that overly pouty dead-eye look they give) causes them to be hostile… and boy can these be hostile. They sneer, they b*tch, they seem to mock pretty much everyone, the feeling of enmity rolling off them makes them pretty much unapproachable and you feel old, fat and not welcome. But actually I am pretty sure under all the make-up, the AllSaints fashion and the designer underwear are young boys protecting themselves and their group. But I can’t help feel a bit sorry for them, because in ten years max they will have to hang-up their sparkly tshirts, get a proper haircut, go to the gym just to stay average and the horror of horrors decide which group they are going to try to belong to, or face the ultimate evil of being an old wannabe twink – the most maligned of them all. So my suggestion with them is try not to be so unsympathetic to them, and maybe just maybe they will crack a smile (with you, not at you).
*deep breath* *deep breath*
Ok, this is probably my most controversial part of the post – so bear with me (pun intended) whilst I speak about the Bears. I have a lot of love for Bearish community although I often find them to be slightly pessimistic, cynical, defensive and self imposed loners (of course this is a complete generalisation but it is based on my experiences).
I would technically describe myself as a cub (I think) but this is partly where the problem comes. When I was but a young hairy man there seemed to be 3 categories: Bears, Cubs, Chasers. That I could understand, and normally they were fairly easily spotted: Bear – Older, larger, generally top (although not always), hairy, possibly bearded or some facial hair; Cub – younger, smaller but above average, generally btm (although again not always), hairy, and generally some facial hair; Chasers – everyone else that fancied bears or cubs. Got it, easy peasy, makes sense, and I can follow it. But as I have got older it seems that these three sub-groups are no longer enough we have pups, otters, wolves, tigers, seals, muscle varieties of all of them – and this to me seems a step too far.
Ok we get it, you may not be a classical bear – you might not be large (fat), you might not be hairy, but is there a need to start forming sub-groups on our sub-groups? I personally think this is because the bears love a badge – I think they have found quite a sense of belonging under the Bear flag, which is particularly hard in a wider community that mainly promotes slim, defined, young men as the ideal. However for those that don’t fit neatly into the Bear category they have had to branch out into the animal kingdom however there is nonsense to this when the various sub-groups start to become adversarial because the whole idea of the Bear flag is to be inclusive. Oddly when you pour a lot of alcohol and bears, cubs, otters, the whole farmyard into a club (XXL) and stir well you get possibly the friendliest and most welcoming group I have ever encountered. However, in my youth I found especially online, hidden in their dens, I would get a lot of “you’re not a bear” or “you’re not a cub” from the classic bears to my advances, and anyone with the word muscle in their name would outright ignore me…! Of course they don’t have to fancy me, they don’t have want to be my best friend but don’t push me out of the group. This over the years (and the fact I find them very pessimistic) has led me to feel completely outside the bear community – I don’t feel any hostility towards them, but I don’t feel like I belong with them either, which is a shame as when I was growing up they were meant to be my refuge.
So now you’re thinking I am a bitter little hairy fat boy that was included in the gang – and maybe yeah I am – but I think we have all been the outsider so I think maybe we shouldn’t do it to each other. *Vom* Cheesefest! More importantly the bears or their kin can make it to me by sending naked self-pics to…
P.S. In relation to twitter I think these groups still exist, there are lots of various hashtags to show affiliation and new groups pop up all the time. But in the ever fluid world of twitter the boundaries seem to blur and it gets ever more complicated, but this chaos leads to a bit more openness – which I quite like - that is unless you’re #teamgaga against #teammadonna then there is no reconciliation.
P.P.S This isn’t an underhand dig at those with animal usernames on twitter or that are part of any of the communities… call yourself whatever you want.
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