Body Issues

Recently (especially today) I have realised that I must have terrible body dysmorphia, or I assume I must or I have really kind friends that are trying to spare my feelings. I think actually the problem is a bit of both.



I like many of you was the fat kid, mix that with hardcore braces (including the elastic bands and the night headwear to make you look Silence of the Lambs chique) through my teenage years, an early onset of hairiness – I did not feel attractive. I wasn’t under any illusion, I knew as a young homo that I was ok – I wasn’t a total minger but I wasn’t ever going to be one of the beautiful people. I could dress myself fairly well, and I knew what suited me although I did (and do) have a tendency for monochromatic colours, and shirts are a staple in my wardrobe. However my body issues go deep… so this isn’t a simple tale.



I have a real issue with my man-boobs – moobs. As a weighty teenager I was really aware of them, and when I had my sternum broken after getting beaten up (long story – another blog I am sure) I felt like my chest was a bit deformed. I remember at 17 having a stand up row with my mum in the middle of high street when she told me to stop slouching and I said “well you’d slouch too if you had these” pointing to my A-cup.  So they have always been something to hide from the world – I loved it when cardigans came in, and then checked shirts, because in those I felt comfortable as I felt they could hide a lot. I like less any floaty material that clings as it seems to want to hit my moobs and outline them beautifully for the world… and then deliciously cup my muffin top to give me that full figure womanly silhouette . Over the years I have learned to accept them and at the moment I don’t mind them… as in I am not as sensitive that I won’t wear a t-shirt (there was a time) without having 15 layers over it even at the height of summer.



But it does feel that as one started to fade away I am now obsessed with my “back-fat” and my muffin top – I tend to think a muffin top is caused by people trying to force themselves into trousers or jeans that are too tight, but I just seem to have a back muffin top… my stomach has always been ok – not flat by any means, but not a beer gut. My boyfriend says I have curved hips, and therefore my bum naturally sticks out and causes a bit of a shelf… but to me it just looks a mess.



Weight loss has always been a bit of a bug bear – my best friend managed to get me to start the gym last year and I have been going, done various classes etc, but I have hit a bit of wall… this year for me also came the double blow of having to shave my hair… although everyone said it wasn’t that noticeable my hair started thinning. This was a big deal for me, I loved my hair, literally loved it… I was obsessed by it… I could be quite queeny when it came to it. But now I have shaved it and I feel a bit freer, which is nice, and I apparently look more masculine which is good – but this has given me the push to also really work on my body and get it how I want it. So the challenge is on… to get a good body – I don’t want to be perfect, have washboard stomach, I don’t want to have “the guns” and point to the beach… I just want to have a body I am happy with.



The problem with this is that there is so much advice – every single person has a different top tip, a great diet, some exercise you should do, some food group you should avoid, and then there are the pacifists saying “you look good”, “don’t worry”, “just have one more cheeseburger”, and then there the antagonists saying “should you be eating that?”, “I thought you were on a diet?”, “been to the gym today?”. It makes my head spin… so for now I am going to focus on diet (lowering my carb intake as its pretty high) and following an exercise regime – so please bear with me  - I might tweet a lot of nonsense or have breakdowns when I don’t get to my targets… but I pray I don’t “check-in” at the gym every 3 seconds, and I don’t start pompously publishing every bit of weight loss… If I do feel free to give me beatings.