I have been inspired to write this blog entry by those people that have really put themselves out there on their on blogs and by the fact that I often feel I contradict myself on here and on twitter and I might be getting some negative reaction to it.
I blog about those that chat via twitter and yet I do it myself, I blog about Hero worshippers yet I feel a buzz when I get a reply from the Clapham Elite (please refer to my other blogs - this isn't a bitchy comment) - but I try to include everyone that replies on twitter, and I get a buzz when most people reply... but I suppose I wanted to explain my motivation for needing to blog and explain myself a little more.
My need comes from two factors a) I cant get my point across succinctly enough on Twitter, b) the need to be loved but struggle to put myself out there. The issue being I have a major issue with people embarrassing me, so although I enjoy a bit of self promotion and flirting and chatter of Twitter, I have a real issue with people reigning supreme, untouchable, and being able to pass judgement - this issue is because I fear they will pass judgement on me publicly and humiliate me. I don’t mind if people talk about me, slag me off, or generally put me down, but I do loathe it when a passion when someone sets you up for a fail, especially when the power is unfairly distributed. I think it’s cruel and unnecessary and will evoke from me a personal rage that little else you could do to me would. This fear of embarrassment causes me to be a little shy mainly because I fear I am going to embarrass myself, or people wont understand my humour or that people will mock me. Don’t get me wrong some my best friends and our relationships are based on taking the mick out of each other, and me and my boyfriend seem to be in a perpetual cycle of mocking each other – but there is a difference to sarcasm and mocking, to revelling in the failure of another and drawing everyone’s attention to it.
At the same time I enjoy being popular - who doesn't? Yeah, we don't all seek fame and fortune, we don't all want crowds to part and stare in awe, but we all generally want to be part of the in-group rather than the out-group. We don't want to be social outcasts and I personally think this comes from some small part from being gay and why we form cliques and sub-categories of our own community (Bears, Twinks, Muscle Marys but that's probably for another blog) - and why we are all on Twitter. Let's face it, being on twitter is a little bit of an ego fluffer and makes us feel part of something, and there is nothing wrong with that, and I would say writing a blog is probably the next step of narcissism... almost saying "I cant share all my gift in a limited number of characters, I have much more to tell you." But some see Twitter and a blog as almost the cowards way out - it's easy for us all to be popular, cool, witty, sexy, flirty when we are at distance, they cant see your outbreak of spots, your bad hair day, your pillow-face - they see the pictures you post (NB. we all know that when you lift your arms in a pic it makes your arms look good, your chest and stomach flat - that doesn't fool anyone) - and therefore we only see what we put forward. (Although I am surprised that some people actually decide to put themselves forward as FRANTIC for a boyfriend or as angry psychos starting fights all over the place). But I think people are too quick to dismiss these persona's, after all its what we want to put forward - I might not be able to always live up to mine but there is definitely an element of the gregarious LiamSE21 in the real Liam.
Therefore although I would go to a tweetup I wouldn’t be the person striding forward to say hello, I would in fact fall back into a place of quiet observation, checking everyone and seeing how people are. People sometimes think I am therefore quiet and a bit introspective, but in fact if I am out with my friends I am happy to lead and be in their limelight. I suppose the point of this is that if I see you out I might not say hello – because the thought of you turning your nose up (even if you are the sweetest person in all the world and it would be something you would never do - it wont matter as the fear is irrational) makes my insides go weird. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to say hello or that I am bit weird and shy, I just cant get over that irrational fear of rejection.
So if you see me out - I am not ignoring you, there is a good chance I have spotted you but I will rationalise not coming up to you by saying I don't want to disturb you! So come disturb me and now I hope when I say I really appreciate you reading my blog you know that I really mean it.
Another good entry Liam.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever see me in London, come and say hi, as I am normally blind without my glasses or contacts
Andy (maxdog)
Another good post Liam. Sometimes I feel as if I am reading about myself here!! Weird! (That's not meant to sound as stalky as it might do!)
ReplyDeleteWe seem to have many of the same views. I am very shy when I first meet someone and although I have been to tweetups I think my face might say "Go away" cos not many come up and say hello, so I shrink into the background where I think I belong. I wish I knew if my assumptions were correct and my face does say what I think it does. Oh well something for me to work on!! :-)