Well here we are again old foe. It’s another cold winter Monday morning after a Christmas break, Twitter and Facebook are already full of the usually cacophony of cheerful “kill me it’s Monday” updates, and the battle for West Dulwich Platform 1 is about to begin. The commute into Victoria takes a grand 12 minutes, and mostly everyone get on, but the when that train comes into sight (after 5 minutes of constant watching), the shuffle to where the doors opening begins, a furtive glance left and right, sizing up the competition: Old Lady – no problem; Smitten couple – nauseating but distracted; cute guy reading – happy if he wants to climb on my head; oh no here he comes… ignorant Business Man in his ill fitting suit. He has an air of determination, and uses the most underhand tactics, it doesn’t matter if you are elderly, disabled, or pregnant, or all three, he will get on that train before you. Time to limber up, get your game face on, and be ready to dive through those doors as soon as they open. One, two, three, ok they are opening, I am right in front…. Ahhh ignorant Business Man has just charged on…. Ok, calm down… no need to cause a scene, how I would love to just smack him straight in the chops though.
So this is what my life has boiled down to, wishing death upon my fellow commuters. On leaving Uni, I planned by now to be living the high life, settled with a delightful boyfriend, maybe adopting a child, having a fabulous media career – doing … lets say Marketing, that always sounds fun. Instead, I am single almost 23 Office Bod, living in a house share with two uni friends – one I love dearly almost as a sister and is my best friend, Kate, and one makes me want to burn her eyes out with a blow torch, Karen. I have come to terms with being single – in fact I have quite enjoyed it, but the time has come for me to date properly or maybe find my “life partner” as my best friend mockingly calls it!
***
Logging into my email I have the sudden crush of dread as I note my Deputy Director’s PA has put a meeting in my diary to give an Update on my project at 2. This actually means she will throw questions at me at a rate of 100mph, mostly on random tangents, and before I have time to turn red, get angry, or stammer a response she is moving on to the next request. This is if the meeting actually occurs, she has a tendency to move meetings, delay them, postpone them indefinitely, and then march up to your desk like a screaming banshee asking why you weren’t waiting outside her office?!? What for the last two hours? – Hmm anyway, I have time to check my emails, ( 4 job alerts: read thoroughly and then delete as under qualified for pretty much every one; 3 voucher code emails: think about printing them off, but delete as I never remember to use them; 15 emails from friends: Studiously read and reply to each; 27 work emails: delete, delete, delete – they will email again if its important), make a coffee avoiding the kitchen when my office nemesis is in there – a particularly nasty queen I have nicknamed ClubFoot – roughly the same age as me, more senior, but seems to hate me with a passion. Luckily for him the feeling is mutual, and in spades and he has a weird limp – so I get to smile to myself as he minces up and down the office with his weird limping walk. I nice relaxing coffee and a chance to reflect on the evil torture ideas for ClubFoot – a good way to start any morning in the office.
Ok, enough dilly dallying, I need to get all my papers out of my cabinet, spread them around my desk, print off some more to throw at my Deputy Director when she asks for an update. Lots of paper seems to distract her and give me time to think, and having lots of papers all over my desks makes me feel and look busy and important.
Hmm, papers all spread out, now what to do… what to do… make a coffee?! Don’t mind if I do, and then I will write a war and piece email to my best friend about my evening and hear about hers.
Hi Big P,
So tell me all about it? How was your date? Was he the love of your life? Don’t tell me, “you got on really well” – you always get on really well, but did he make you fall off your seat? Did you get out of your tree as usual? Snog in the middle of a crowded concourse?
Needless to say, since I have woken up this morning, I have checked Scruff, Grindr, Gaydar, etc etc about a million times, and I have either the same lunatics, new lunatics, or the “nice guys” chatting to me. I had to block “cute David” because I didn’t respond instantly and he went into a breakdown of “Why are you ignoring me… Fine be like that…. Hello?!?... Are you there?... Please?....” – that was way too much and I was tempted to say “sorry I was going for a big sh*t” but didn’t think that would be appropriate. So blocky block block. I did have a complete Hottie walking in front of me on the way to the station, and I think he was a Mo, but I don’t think he even knew I existed. He was a tall, bearish man, built like a brick-sh*thouse, but he went into the building opposite without a backward glance – although I did hear him speak on the phone and he sounded Irish – double hot!
Did you notice that the Evil one, had not only randomly got in and went straight to bed last night, but before she did she had put her washing in the machine overnight – not turned it on, and this morning when I went to put mine in – hers was still in there? Why would you reserve the washing machine the night before when you are off the next day? Also half of my milk was gone as per usual – I thought she didn’t like milk – she certainly never buys it? And also she seemed to have got home, emptied all her rubbish in the kitchen bin, and left it stacked as high as she could manage without it toppling – it truly was a feat of engineering.
Anywho, I best be off, I have papers to shuffle around my desk, and a desperate need for coffee.
Don’t forget I am meeting Tim tonight – ohhh, ahhhh! First Date in a long time – will he have 12 toes, webbed fingers and be crossed eye? A stalker? Be on the rebound? The options are endless – but if you are around later we could meet in Soho for catch up before going home to the Battle
M
X
Oh look it’s lunch, which I will be mainly spending on Twitter, half flirting with the couple that live somewhere near me and feeling somewhat like I worship them – ah well I am shameless… and the other half rolling my eyes up into my head at the pandering to certain individuals and their laments of how they have been “single forever” and that they just want “a nice man to look after them” – yeah love join the queue, I have been waiting just as long, and I unlike you don’t require someone to look after me as I am not a child.
***
The briefing is approaching and I am ready with reams of paper to befuddle and bemuse the DD, so far it’s been put back an hour… pretty standard. But I want to be out at 4 as I need to pretty myself up for the date and frankly I need all the time I can get – am going to have to do a Wonder Woman style change in the toilet cubicle. So far Tim has made contact and we are on for meeting in Soho. I did have reservations about going to a bar full of hot men – but then I thought it will give me something to look at if it all goes wrong and I knew said he couldn’t stay out late as he had to be up early…. Is that a bad sign? Is it an excuse to get away? Am I Fat? Hmm enough of that … I need to put on my game face and suck it up, if he doesn’t like me there are plenty of other men out there.
It’s exactly 15:45 – I have been clock watching for exactly 2 hours and 45 minutes, still no sign of meeting with DD happening… now is time for my exit strategy (don’t you love Management training for the BS they teach you) – so I am going to tell her PA that I have an appointment at 16:30, lets say, at the Dentist, and that should cover me…. Ok, time to bite the bullet and pray she doesn’t come bounding out of her office expecting me to have a laboured conversation about every point.
This is it…
The walk of dread…
I could be ambushed at any point…
Also she can see me whilst I talk to her PA…
Ok… I’ve made it…
Score… she’s on the phone…
Her Secretary is a legend and replied “serves her right, she shouldn’t put you back three hours – enjoy the Dentist – it will probably be much easier than talking to her”!
So after a quick freshen up in the toilets – noticing the sribbled pen mark of “I suck c*ck here every day at 2:30” hmm I didn’t write that so I wondered if it was Nemesis… hmm note to self check out the toilet tomorrow at 2.30 – I decide to make a run from the office with a quick text to Tim to say I am on my way. It’s a good sign that he has text enough to make me feel confident he will show, but not so much as I feel like he is stalker… Bonus!
I have to admit I am quite excited, is that sad? I put my ipod on for the Power-Mince across St James Park – I need some Chunes to inspire my fantasies – I like to have a good theme song to my day dreams so for today dates – I like to imagine walking along to “All the Lovers” :
Both me and Tim making our way to the pub from opposite directions, both smiling broadly, slipping past the slow tourists, arriving at the bar at slightly different times… but the crowds part as Kylie belts out ‘All the Lovers that have come before, don’t compare to you” … and we both smile… and my Bridget Jones lifestyle is over”
Hmm imagining over – already I am struggling as the wet winter afternoon has brought out the useless umbrella users that seem incapable of not attacking everyone that comes with five foot of them.
***
Ok, so I am at the pub, and he isn’t here yet – hmmm now what to do. I always find this difficult, you don’t want to look around too much, you don’t want to be seen to be cruising the guys when your date walks in, but you don’t also want to be standing in the corner like a wall flower afraid of your own shadow. I can’t tweet too much as he is on Twitter…. Damn it… have to fall back to old habits – smoking it is. This is a life-saver (ironic I know) but the only thought is that I hope he is not one of those people that hates smokers.
Oh dear lord, he texts to say he is going to be another half hour and the pub is starting to get busy and there is only so much Twitter, Facebook, Solitaire and general texting to the peopleI know will respond one can do. Hmm however there is a particularly good looking group on the other side of the bar, and I am sure one is on Twitter – one of the Twitterati, part of the cliques that Twitter can be terrible for. He is hot… but ohh what’s this?… in the corner… all alone… super brooding… heavy eyebrows… enough stubble to give rash after kissing…. Hello Sailor….
What is wrong with me? I am about to have a date with a guy I think I might really like, but the first David Boreanaz lookalike I find I am virtually drooling and humping his leg.
Ok, David Brooding Boreanaz Boyfriend has just turned up – that is that fantasy over.
No text from Tim, and it’s been 45 minutes… ok no problem, I can stand being stood up, as it were. But I wish he’d just told me, I understand as well that things come up, and you get better offers, but come on a text wouldn’t hurt. Maybe I should try that E-harmony website – the relationship website – I generally mock it, but needs must and who knows maybe they will find my perfect match!
Ok, so it’s been an hour, I have received GayFace (the pouty arched eyebrow face), Sad Face, Shame Face, and Cruisey Face from too many gays in the pub, and my pride is taking a beating. I rang him 5 minutes ago and it rang out, bad times. So now I am deciding whether to tweet or not to tweet –I should hide my shame, shouldn’t I?
Yay, its ok he turned up. Ok, he is not as casual and relaxed in person, or nearly as flirty and the picture he sent seems like it may have been taken 3 years ago, when he had been more regular gym goer? Does that make me a bad person for thinking that?
We are getting on ok, oh alright, I am dying inside he seems so drab… he has spoken loads about his ex and has moaned almost incessantly about work – immediate turn-offs. I don’t care – I don’t know you, I don’t know these people you’re referring to and we seem to have nothing in common – how could I have got it so wrong – but then he doesn’t seem to be the person I talk to online – the light and witty person?? Where is he? I want a date with him please God?... oh well… time to plan my extraction – it’s already pretty late and I think I have missed the tube and I have given this guy 4 hours of my life (Jesus 4 hours, how did that happen?). I think it’s probably too much to use the friend calling saying that someone has died… maybe just say I need to go as I have work early, that’s fair enough… but then I need to avoid any kiss… I definitely don’t want to send that mixed message. So with an overly dramatic gasp and look at my phone, I declare it’s way too late, I need to get home, as the nightbus is nightmare at this time of night. He looks surprised and a little bewildered – ok perhaps I am a tad tipsy and I did that a little dramatically but it worked, I am now gathering my belongings and with a quick “it was nice to meet you” and a peck on the cheek and I am outtie! (So urban and cool!)
Hmm, now outside, in the fresh London
***
It actually is a very nice walk, I love walking past Parliament and Big Ben, and my zig zag walking seems to mean it is taking only slightly longer than usual. Win! I tend to have a very good homing beacon, so I very rarely get lost and I don’t need to rush home – its only work tomorrow – and to be honest the way home is via Vauxhall – who knows what might happen? There might be some delightful Muscle Bear that is lost and confused and urgently needs my help… and my Grindr seems to be nicely buzzing away, however the battery on my iphone is quickly approaching the dreaded 30% - which means I am going to have to be selective about what I look at.
Ok, so I seem to be stumbling into the petrol garage, I need a drink… a soft drink – luckily I seem to have accumulated a pocket full of change… hmm there is a hottie behind me waiting to talk to the man in the booth – is it wrong to walk really slowly …. Really really slowly…. Quick, quick, get Grindr up and see if I can see him – bloody GPS will probably show me in Japan… Oh he is coming this way… and he is walking under the arch… dare I? Is it worth it? Am I too drunk to actually be any good?
Ok, fuck it, I am going for it. I have done much worse and taken bigger risks – it’s only him and me, and I reckon I can take him if I need to. God, let’s hope he wants to take me … hmm… right he now seems to be slowing down, and he is smoking, so I can open with “can I get a light?” line – that always a good one. Ok so his face isn’t that good as I get closer… and he looks a little urban, but I can handle that.
Oh dear… he’s stopped.
Here we go…
I smile as I approach, and he snarls “give me your fucking phone you faggot!” – hmm that managed to kill my boner and make my heart come up into my throat all at once. Panic makes me want to run, but I’m thinking, I can’t run, I don’t want to look like a coward… so I keep walking and just say “fuck off” in as strong voice as I can manage. To be fair, I know I know that I am not that far from safety, if I just turn around and run, but my pride is telling me to keep going.
Oh fuck…
There are two more guys in front of me…. a quick glance behind shows that the “hottie” is still there, and walking fast to catch up with me…
“I told you to give me your fucking phone you poof” He says,
“ Fuck you, you’re not getting anything of mine” I declare rather more boldly that I feel! Still walking, and he is walking beside me, but I don’t know what I am doing as I am virtually walking straight into his mates… fuck fuck fuck.
“Do you want me to fucking kill you?” he says,
Oh fuck, oh fuck, right I have basically got myself surrounded…. The lead one seems to be doing all the talking… but I can barely hear him, in my mind I am thinking I should run, just run, but I pretty much guarantee they can catch me!
“DO YOU WANT ME TO STAB THIS OUT ON YOUR EYE” he says brandishing his cigarette. That snaps me back into the situation, I recoil, but it’s too late – one of them is behind me, he trips me and I fall to the floor.
That’s when the first blow lands – sadly a punch I could take, but the kick lands squarely in my chest …I can’t think, I just put my hands up to protect my face more out of instinct, and I try to roll up, but they keep running up and kicking me – I cry out and they laugh – they laugh. Someone drives past, and I wonder why they don’t stop? Why don’t they help? They kick again and this one connects with my face and my nose is streaming and my eyes are watering, and then it comes the final blow… blackness.
Looking forward to the next part already
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