The Gym

I am by no means a gym expert. I have been going for just over a year, so I realise there are people out there that have years and years on me, but from my time there I have some musing I wish to share. This seems a fairly popular twitter / blog subject so sorry if I rehash a lot of stuff.

To give you the background my gym is in Herne Hill, which is close enough to Brixton and Dulwich to get a fairly eclectic mix of people - it's not a particularly gay gym but we will get onto that. I imagine that some gyms are full of beautiful Adonis-like men that have a brilliant time in the changing rooms and in the showers (that could just be part porno influenced and part fantasy based) - but my gym is not like that. I have to admit I am oddly proud of my gym, so when people ask me what it's like I sing its praises, but me and my best friend (who dragged me in there kicking and screaming) do tend to be a bit critical of it - so this post will let out my rage at the fellow gym users. In my time there I have tried most classes and tried pretty much every piece of machinery - so I feel like I have a good grasp of how it works practically ... but as I said I am a novice, so I don't know if somewhere there is a unwritten code that I should have picked up but some things are a mystery to me.

The Personal Trainers - Ive never had a personal trainer mainly because I am stupidly intimidated by them, but some of them do themselves no favours. The majority at my gym actually do seem quite friendly and now I feel completely comfortable at the gym I would use them.... all except one... the hot one... and boy does he know it. Ok, my best friend says he looks like he is 18 - but then anyone under 25 and she declares them too young - but he is pretty much a perfect porn star bottom - he is blond, boyish face, big arms, tiny waist and a pert bottom that you could bounce a penny off... not that I have noticed. But the one thing that prevents me from actually fancying him is his self satisfied smug half smile, he walks (prowls) the gym and continually has this smug smile plastered on his face, and if anything it makes me want to pick up the nearest weight and throw it straight for his perfect white teeth.  He is also the trainer that looks completely bored when he is with a client, constantly looking at his phone, or checking women out, or worst himself. What I don't understand is how he gets any clients.

Spin and Class Teachers
- Spin and LBT Teacher: This man actually put me off the gym as he is so repulsive. I had issue with him because his style was a bit too Army-wannabe when he was running a class. This can be a good thing because it means they really push you, but actually with this guy it wasn't a persona to push you through the class he was actually a Cunt (apologies if you don't like the word but it applies) and had the same arrogant, horrible personality inside and outside of the class. He is demeaning and insulting to people in the class and the irony of irony's is that I have never seen him do a single Spin class where he stays on the bike for more than 4 minutes which I find totally objectionable. If I am sweating my soul out through every pore then I want the teacher to be right there with me, not standing there... just watching, not correcting.... just watching. He is also fat, I have no problem with being fat, but when your a fitness trainer and you comment on people's weight and fitness I would require you to be at least fit yourself. 

- Latin Boxercise Teacher: This woman I love - because she is crazy... she likes to howl. That is all. Actually she deserves more, she has a really thick accent, which I think is Latin American, but I literally have no idea what she was saying throughout most of her class, but frankly I didn't care as she had wicked music, and randomly howled - that mixed with a class where you punch and kick is pretty much all I require from a good class.

The Prowler - I think he may be very specific to my gym. He is quite young and so I am never quite sure why he does what he does. He looks Russian or eastern block, blonde, built, not too tall, blue eyes = fit. However in my time at the gym he has committed many mortal sins including wearing jeans (?) into the gym, and flip-flops, but his main sin is that he likes to do a set of weights, then walk the entire length of the gym..... I realise that you need to take a rest, but the number of times people have assumed he is leaving because he just walks off, and tried to get on the machine, leading to that awkward moment when he comes back. It actually feels like he uses the length of the gym as a runway and he is strutting or prowling (hence the nickname) for attention. Ok, you're hot.. we get it. Stop it now. It is almost as unforgivable as the man that does lunges the length of the gym, but only when the gym is at its busiest. BRAVO you can do a lunge.

The grunter and dropper:  As a person that is intimidated by those that use the free weights as they are usually big burly men with perfect form that seem to all know each other - I don't know whether grunting helps - but by god it is off-putting when you hear someone making noises like they're going a shit and it's coming out sideways. This mixed with the people that insist on dropping the weights from a great height so it sounds like we are getting blitzed. Surely it is bad form to drop weights? Either way I'm not keen on it.

Modified: Anyone that has ever listened to Jonny Mcgovern's Podcast would know this is an international phenomenon  - she is probably in her early 50s and does everything modified - so when she does spin she has no resistance on, never breaks a sweat, NEVER! The one at my gym has pigtails, unusual on a lady in her 50s, but it oddly suits her attitude at the gym - if she uses the strength machines there is no weight on the pin, if she does a class she does a half kick, small punch, light gentle run... its as if she is made of glass... - It makes me want to a) scream at her to move faster b) pull her by her pigtails off the machine, especially because she only ever attends in peak hours when the gym is rammed, and her doing a slow walk on the running machine is too much.

Stinky man: this man stinks... that is unwholesome. He is so bad you can trace where he has been in the gym. Bad times.

The Fat Man: this man is at the gym every time I go but I have yet to see him in the actual gym, he is always in the changing room. I think he may use just the spa and the sauna/steam rooms - which I haven't braved yet. My issue with him is that he is 40+, really quite fat, not very attractive facially and yet when in the changing room he talks to anyone that will listen about the plethora of women he is shagging, and he is always telling tales about how they are begging him for it. I can only imagine these women are desperate or he has skills that aren't immediately apparent - or he is bullshitting - as I think I'd honestly rather not do it again that touch him with yours. To add to my distaste he talks about the women like they pieces of meat and I just think "who do you think you are fooling?" - you should be grateful and worship at their feet even if they look like grotbags.

Dressed for the gym?: I don't dress particularly well for the gym, but at least have sportswear on, but some people seem to go all out, wearing the latest stuff which is completely coordinated, but then never do anything - waste of money much? But the real offenders are those that wear kooky outfits and no doubt think of themselves as kooky or crazy - I have to physically restrain my best friend when  'leg warmer girl in her ra-ra skirts" skips past, because she looks like such a twat you are almost drawn to attack her... are you auditioning for Got To Dance? My pet hate is sunglasses - they should be illegal indoors generally but in clubs, bars, gyms, or on the tube makes me want to hurt them... hurt them real bad. I fear the only reason someone would do it is to try to look cool - they fail at this.

And finally
Gay Boy Problems - The Gays: At my gym there are a number of gays but we tend to ignore each other. I havent ever experienced it to such a degree. When I walk past another gay in the street, even if we were completely repulsed by each other we would at least exchange a glance, but in my gym its like it would be a mortal sin to even acknowledge one another, let alone smile - heaven forbid you smile - dirty cruisy gay turning everywhere into a sex den. Ok, I could be exaggerating, but there is definitely no smiling and in the changing rooms its like if you acknowledge one another all the other kids are going to start chanting "poof, poof, poof" and give you a wedgie. Its ok - I think everyone that saw you mince across the gym knows you is gay - that and the uber gay face you are giving with the trout pout and the arched over plucked eyebrows.
Unfortunately (for them) I am not subtle - if a man is hot, I will stare - why not? Ok I try to be subtle in the changing room, but who hasnt sneaked a peak... it's ok admit it.