TwitterFlirt

When I first joined twitter I wasn't quite sure what to expect - would people being making insightful witty remarks, or just constantly making mundane statements about "doing the shopping" - what I didn't expect was all the flirting.

I have followed mainly gay men, and I have followed porn stars and picture-sharers so I knew there would be a degree of sex in my timeline, but I thought this would be detached and very little interaction. And at first any flirting was light hearted and jovial - pleasant exchanges of "nice pic" - casual references to each other being a hottie, sexy, cutie - all of which are very nice to hear - I have to admit I felt good to have people I didn't know and rated as being attractive flirting with me gave me an ego boost.

Then the next step - I mentioned my boyfriend and to some it stopped the flirting dead, to others it was like a red rag to a bull... I found both responses quite interesting as to those that stopped outright it was as if at the mention of a boyfriend I had immediately stopped being a sexual person, and some even seemed a little hostile - like I should be the first thing I say - almost like I had wasted their time talking to them on twitter. Whereas those that seemed to enjoy me having a boyfriend seemed obsessed with threesomes, about me being "naughty" (err I am not 5... I stopped being "naughty" a long time ago), and seemed to think I was open to just about everything (I can confirm I am not). And both reactions came from people of various ages, in couples and singles... but more often I found the singles would be hostile and the couples would be more direct.

I have no problem with this at all - all these reactions are completely normal and understandable - but what shocked me was that it was from Twitter... because although I have seen some flirting on it in my early days it was mainly among groups or people that I assumed were actual friends. The only two problems I have are:

• that its all done a bit undercover and its almost like we are hiding that we are in fact flirting with each other...because if I were to tweet "I am horny" then I reckon  most serious responses would come back as a Direct Message rather than a Public Reply... and yet there is nothing wrong with it boys - admittedly Twitter isn't Grindr and shouldn't be used as such, but a bit of open flirting is fun and harmless, so just because I have a boyfriend don't assume I am dead from the waist down, and just because I am flirting with you don't think I have a sex dungeon and will be willing to be tied to the chandelier, or in fact I will do anything with you other than have a drink... its fun to flirt... and it don't hurt anyone.
• the more offensive thing to me is when people will flirt with some but then turn into Mary Whitehouse when others flirt with them. I understand some single people might not like people in couples flirting with them, but just stop flirting, don't clutch at your pearls and declare that no such thoughts every pass your virginal mind. And if it's just because you don't fancy them then I think it's even worse... so someone that you don't fancy is flirting with you - they are not buying the wedding rings... so if you cant bring yourself to flirt back then at least don't cut them off and then start flirting with the Hotties.

I have realised that everyone flirts and some people get quite "into it" on Twitter but lets not be embarrassed, lets just enjoy it. It's only twitter.

Time to get over it?!

I like many people have be come sadly addicted to twitter - the minute I think of something witty, a mini-rant, or just have no-one next to me to tell and a thought pops into my head, I will tweet it. I warn you my tweets aren't exactly interesting.

However recently I have fallen a little out of love with Twitter, due to peoples obsession with unfollowing and following - loads of people seem to farm for followers which to me is a complete waste of time because if most of your tweets are about getting followers then it's boring - a bit of advise is if you follow a lot of people you get a lot of followers. Now I am no expert but I think that is how it's meant to work. Or heaven forbid you actually have something witty or interesting to say and people will naturally want to follow you. Two of the people that I follow with the most followers are two straight men that talk sex (A LOT) and are quite happy to interact with us gays... they cater to their audience.... the other person I follow with a lot of followers has guns that Saddam would be jealous of and is witty - it doesn't hurt that he is part of the cool boys of Clapham (Clapham Elite - its said with love before you all say I am a jealous bitch) - but that's not all he is - he isn't one dimensional. Some people could learn a lot from him.

Next to the obsession with getting followers is an obsession with unfollowers (as it were) - so I decide to unfollow you - what you going to do? Unfollow me? Go ahead, it wont cry at night - but also don't hark on about it. I understand that people want to know who has unfollowed them to a point, but then don't tweet about it - because it rather suggests you care a lot... and no matter how much you protest you are unbothered I would argue that you wouldn't check, tweet it and go into a conversation about it - and then if someone dares to question you on it go insane - they I do declare that you protest too much and I think a) you're a bit of a psycho, b) you get a lot of self worth from how many people you don't know read your brain farts.... bad times. The only thing you can do which is worse is declare "this is a private conversation" - because when you do this my blood pressure goes through the roof and I want to get a Twitter for Dummies Manual and explain to you what Twitter is and the very basic fact that everyone can read your tweets unless you block them or protect them. Twitter isn't Private - that's kinda the point!

So in conclusion its only Twitter, don't take it so seriously, don't block so much, follow and unfollow with gay abandon... I have followed and unfollowed someone twice now (he didn't get any better) and one of the people I am not keen on is pretty much universally loved so his name still features a surprising amount in my timeline - but I don't freak out about it - its not that poor boys fault that even his name can make me cringe... and if you are going to be worried about who unfollows you and you are desperate to build your fan base then at least have the balls to be open about it. Remember Followers doesn't equal Friends or Fans.

Nemesis

Ever since I was a young man I have enjoyed having a nemesis. You might find this odd because you are one of those people that enjoys "making friends" and doesn't like to argue, and tries to get on with everyone - well I can tell you now we aren't going to get on.

I find it somewhat exhilarating to hate someone with a passion, to find every small fault they have and tear it apart, have the little rants in your head (I know I don't sound very sane) and come up with the killer quips, and celebrate every tiny misfortune they have. I know this sounds petty but normally I pick a nemesis with care... I wont just pick someone at random for some small slight - like they barged me out of the way on a train although that does get the thought of carrying a rocket propelled grenade launcher whirling through my head... but I'll pick them for a heinous crimes against me personally that I deem unforgivable.

Here is a brief summary of some of my favourites:

1. At School I had two - which isn't bad for all years at school and both were my friends and I felt betrayed me.

• Laura - She was probably  my closest friend in my first 4 years at secondary school, but there was a slight problem. I was a homo - I may not have known it at the time but it caused a real tension between us. I think she always thought I was madly in love with her but I wasn't (obviously). In fact I enjoyed gossiping with her and chatting with the other girls, but I mainly did it because she was the fat girl of the 'Cool Girl Gang' and it was my only way to be vicariously cool and protected from anyone that might be tempted to bully me for being a big mo! Her mistake was to try to turn on me and throw me to the wolves of the bullies in the school by one week declaring she thought I was gay. Obviously by doing this she left me effectively friendless and open to the bullies - luckily I was no shrinking violet so I managed to survive, but I never forgot. In many years to come I was able to repay her in kind when we were in sixthform and I managed to find out she had cheated on her boyfriend - although I never told anyone (at the time) I let her know I knew. I enjoyed her squirming and eventually she was forced to come clean which in sixthform was equivalent of painting the Scarlet Letter on her chest and sending her through the village in stocks.
• Howard - He was my best friend through most of GCSE's and he later turned out to be gay, but he stabbed me in the back twice, and the first I forgave but the 2nd I took personally. The first time was when he left me to walk home alone, across a park in which he knew the boys that had been in there were rough and likely to start trouble. Needless to say they did and I ended up in hospital, and I was told by others that he knew it would be trouble and left but at the time I didn't want to believe it. The 2nd time I couldn't  forgive him because he effectively did the same thing Laura did, one day he turned around and said "I am going to play football with the other boys" - even though it was a well known fact we were both rubbish at football and so we annoyed the other boys more than anything - he stopped sitting with me in class, and we pretty much never spoke again. Once we left school he told someone that he did that because he realised he was gay and thought it would be worse to be around me, he thought if he could be around the other boys that played sports he might not turn out gay. Sadly for us all it didn't work as he was and is a total minger - so doesn't add to our ranks - but I never forgave him. So years later whilst I was home from Uni - revenge is always better with a bit of distance -  I heard from our joint friend that he was still a virgin and that his mum told him that she accepted he was gay but he was never to mention it, I made sure I went to the next reunion and regaled everyone with stories of my accepting family, including my mother (who was well known for being a dragon, and calling the Headmaster a cunt) and rubbing it so far in his face that I almost made myself a little sick. Ok, ok - its not pretty but I felt a sudden relief from the hurt he had dolled out on me and the loneliness I felt as a 16-18yo with no close friends which I placed firmly at his door.

2 Uni Years

• Lucy - In my first year at Uni I lived in halls, where you only shared a Kitchen with 6 people, most of them international mature students, but I was lucky (or so I thought) as I had a girl right next door who seemed fairly similar to me. We decided to go on the hunt for other first years and quickly found a few. It was an exciting time to meet new people and for me my first chance to tell people I was gay (or Bi to begin with - ha ha) and no-one knew me as the buck-tooth braces wearing fatty with the hairy legs. We didn't do much in our first week as the 2nd and 3rd years had already bought all the tickets to everything and had managed to fill the bars to the brim. But over the coming weeks we met more and more people and as usual I was the only boy with about 10 girls as friends. At first I really liked Lucy, she was a bit naive, tended to started any story of her past with "when I worked at Strawberry Moons in Harlow..." and called her vitamin D supplements her "sunshine pills", and seemed a bit man-mad so I felt like we could get along. Unfortunately (for her) she had other ideas about us being friends, she started arranging nights out and either telling me they were "girls-only" or pretended she invited me to the other girls. At first I took this on the chin, as I assumed this was the way it would be but the other girls were outraged and started to invite me along. Obviously I was a little negative about her then... taking the piss out of her sunshine pills, which if she forgot to take she would feel down...?!?!? Luckily my now best friend saw straight through her and told us she was clearly working us against each other, as she had been slagging us all off to each other and trying to create tension. She was particularly hard on me and one other girl (probably the most unstable of all people I have met) and she was almost cruel - unfortunately this got me to red mist stage and as she said in my presence "I don't know if I agree with gays, it seems a bit wrong" I decided I would show her how wrong we could be. So just before our first term broke up and she had been particularly cruel to other girl I told her what I thought of her, called her out on her underhand tactics, that no one cared what happened at Strawberry moons, and most of all I thought she was a total Cunt, and if she crossed me again it would be the last thing she did. Over Dramatic I know but I was still awash with hormones and I felt wronged. It turned out worse for her as she had failed pretty much everything (she was quite dim) and decided not to come back to Uni after Christmas.
• Deborah and Karin - This is a bit of a long story but these are the two girls me and my best friend (KT) lived with in our second year - needless to say it turned incredibly nasty but this tale I will leave for another blog as otherwise it might become an epic. Needless to say though we got our revenge and became the best of friends through it.

3. At work

•  I have had a lot of work nemesis' but my recent one is my favourite because he is so smug and we have actually had a falling out where we will actively avoid having any contact with each other including being in the same lift. My issue with him was because he told a senior director in a pub that I had shagged a new guy on my team in the office stairwell. Now I may have made this rod for my own back because earlier in the evening at someones leaving reception I had been joking with the other numerous gays in my directorate about who we would and wouldn't do, but this was clearly jesting and clearly for the group. Everyone was taking part including my nemesis and I happened to say that I would do the new boy on my team, as he joined the group discussion (mainly to try to embarrass him but he is as shameless as me) and I said "I'd do it on the stairwell." Unfortunately my nemesis not only told the senior director but also the office gossip, who spread it quicker than I thought humanly possible, the sad and annoying fact was that it was done all very maliciously - not one person spoke to me about it, or discussed it with me, it was completely done as spiteful hurtful gossip to making me look both predatory and unprofessional, and in these difficult times it was the last thing I needed. So I bide my time... and wait ....

4. twitter nemesis - I don't actually have twitter nemesis but I have a few people on there that have set my teeth on edge, and I am not going to name them because that would be fair. To qualify as my nemesis they'd have to have done something personally against me - one of them came close by (I felt) trying to embarrass me for unfollowing him, but I think really he came off looking more foolish than anything - because he must have checked who unfollowed him and then checked my timeline to see if I had said anything about him. Unfortunately he sent me a public message referring to a message I put out earlier and unfortunately for him it was nothing to do with him so I was cringing for him.

I really enjoy having a nemesis, it's good for me to to actively dislike someone, and turn rage towards. I know it probably sounds a little too dark for some of you and it probably makes me sound unhinged, but I think it is healthy to dislike people, and I think in some ways it is a compliment to these people as I would rather be considered as someones nemesis than to not be considered at all. But one word of warning is that you shouldn't have too many enemies (as I did at school at one point), or nemesis' because then you have to consider is it all of them at fault or you?

Dating in the Dark!

Two of my friends are having dating dilemmas – one (my best friend) has over the last couple of years thrown herself into the mix and found it exciting but emotional, the other has been single for 8+ years and not had a date – so we are trying to convince her that internet dating is the way forward.

Unfortunately she is understandably nervous and wont commit to signing up, and partly because she has seen what my best friend has been through she feels like she doesn’t understand the rules of engagement and is a bit “in the dark” about how it works. So along with my best friend we have come up with some simple dating rules that I thought I’d share (from my stance of a smug coupledom), as I know a lot of my gay friends have been burnt by online dating and they seem to make “schoolboy errors”, and I thought you could add anything we have missed :

1. Don’t trust a thing they say.

Now this may seem cynical, but from the outset you don’t know these people and therefore to trust them completely as some seem to is a definite error. Of course they are charming, witty, relaxed, sociable, “into winter sports” and share all your interests, but in reality this is probably a complete lie – don’t forget they are actually trying to charm you.

2. Understand they may not trust you.

My best friend was horrified when someone asked how recent her picture was and whether she could send any more – I think this is fairly standard practice in the gay world and wouldn’t be seen as such a social faux pas – but still it does happen that people turn up and the person’s picture was actually taken in the 80s and since they have eaten… A LOT. In my misspent youth I fell victim to this trap a few times, so I would quickly ask for a recent picture, and wouldn’t be offended if someone questioned me to the nth degree about my waist size, chest size, how hairy I was, where I was hairy… its basically a way of not wasting everyone’s time.

3. Don’t engage in long drawn out conversations (with one caveat)

This is a difficult one to learn and can be a bit of a double edged sword. If you engage in long drawn out conversations online then you can get to the point where you get flirty, and you feel really comfortable, but then you set yourself up for a fail when you meet and there is no spark. Making the “I’m not into you” conversation even harder. However, if you arrange a date without having some discussion you could end up wasting 3 hours of your life on a date with someone you loathe. However, I do think if you are really nervous I think building up a good rapport online will take away a lot of the angst … so for those people I suggest the long-haul conversations.

4. Don’t get too drunk on the date

Although I think drinking does a lot to take away the nerves it also has the problem of clouding your judgement, making you forget almost everything they said, and making you lose all you inhibitions and decorum so you end up snogging people in the middle of Victoria Station in a gross sloppy groppy way, which frankly is wrong no matter what sexuality you are.

5. Get down to it

Aside from when incredibly drunk I don’t think there is a problem with getting down to it on a first date. I did with my bf of 5 years, and lots of my friends shagged their long term partner on their first date so never fear, but it does mean you have to be a more adult, and a bit more open and be ready for them not to call you up the next day.

6. Get heartbroken and get over it

I think it’s really important to dive into these things and really experience them and make sure that you’re open to getting your heartbroken, because surely its better that than worrying about it and never having even tried. But then an important factor is the getting over it… do it… man up and brush yourself off because ultimately there are plenty more guys out there – if you need to take revenge on the man that let you down, go on holiday with your mates, get drunk, eat ice-cream, text them in the night and call them c*nt but get make sure you get over it.

The above is mainly my interpretation from my best friend’s experience but I feel she summed it up more eloquently with the following:

·         Be prepared for a LOT of attention but with the majority from a LOT of weirdos.
·         Don’t expect to meet the love of your life on there.
·         Be realistic- most people on there are just looking for s**.
·         Be savvy- lots of people totally fabricate stuff for their profiles, grossly exaggerate or downright lie. Don’t believe everything they tell you. I think there is some serious photo-shopping of people onto ski slopes going on……..
·         Don’t chat to people with only one photo. Even mutants can take one good photo.
·         Be aware that lots of allegedly tall men may be on stilts/standing on the yellow pages.
·         Learn the lingo- ‘I’d like to meet you for good times’= s**. ‘I’d like to look into your eyes and recite poetry’= will bury you in a bath of sand.
·         Delete any who ask you to add them to FB/text them etc immediately.
·         Be aware that all men are c**** at the end of the day and will lead you on and then trample on your heart.

So ends today’s lesson.

Time for someone to take a break from dating I think!

Anyway I would welcome advice and suggestions from everyone…

The Gym

I am by no means a gym expert. I have been going for just over a year, so I realise there are people out there that have years and years on me, but from my time there I have some musing I wish to share. This seems a fairly popular twitter / blog subject so sorry if I rehash a lot of stuff.

To give you the background my gym is in Herne Hill, which is close enough to Brixton and Dulwich to get a fairly eclectic mix of people - it's not a particularly gay gym but we will get onto that. I imagine that some gyms are full of beautiful Adonis-like men that have a brilliant time in the changing rooms and in the showers (that could just be part porno influenced and part fantasy based) - but my gym is not like that. I have to admit I am oddly proud of my gym, so when people ask me what it's like I sing its praises, but me and my best friend (who dragged me in there kicking and screaming) do tend to be a bit critical of it - so this post will let out my rage at the fellow gym users. In my time there I have tried most classes and tried pretty much every piece of machinery - so I feel like I have a good grasp of how it works practically ... but as I said I am a novice, so I don't know if somewhere there is a unwritten code that I should have picked up but some things are a mystery to me.

The Personal Trainers - Ive never had a personal trainer mainly because I am stupidly intimidated by them, but some of them do themselves no favours. The majority at my gym actually do seem quite friendly and now I feel completely comfortable at the gym I would use them.... all except one... the hot one... and boy does he know it. Ok, my best friend says he looks like he is 18 - but then anyone under 25 and she declares them too young - but he is pretty much a perfect porn star bottom - he is blond, boyish face, big arms, tiny waist and a pert bottom that you could bounce a penny off... not that I have noticed. But the one thing that prevents me from actually fancying him is his self satisfied smug half smile, he walks (prowls) the gym and continually has this smug smile plastered on his face, and if anything it makes me want to pick up the nearest weight and throw it straight for his perfect white teeth.  He is also the trainer that looks completely bored when he is with a client, constantly looking at his phone, or checking women out, or worst himself. What I don't understand is how he gets any clients.

Spin and Class Teachers
- Spin and LBT Teacher: This man actually put me off the gym as he is so repulsive. I had issue with him because his style was a bit too Army-wannabe when he was running a class. This can be a good thing because it means they really push you, but actually with this guy it wasn't a persona to push you through the class he was actually a Cunt (apologies if you don't like the word but it applies) and had the same arrogant, horrible personality inside and outside of the class. He is demeaning and insulting to people in the class and the irony of irony's is that I have never seen him do a single Spin class where he stays on the bike for more than 4 minutes which I find totally objectionable. If I am sweating my soul out through every pore then I want the teacher to be right there with me, not standing there... just watching, not correcting.... just watching. He is also fat, I have no problem with being fat, but when your a fitness trainer and you comment on people's weight and fitness I would require you to be at least fit yourself. 

- Latin Boxercise Teacher: This woman I love - because she is crazy... she likes to howl. That is all. Actually she deserves more, she has a really thick accent, which I think is Latin American, but I literally have no idea what she was saying throughout most of her class, but frankly I didn't care as she had wicked music, and randomly howled - that mixed with a class where you punch and kick is pretty much all I require from a good class.

The Prowler - I think he may be very specific to my gym. He is quite young and so I am never quite sure why he does what he does. He looks Russian or eastern block, blonde, built, not too tall, blue eyes = fit. However in my time at the gym he has committed many mortal sins including wearing jeans (?) into the gym, and flip-flops, but his main sin is that he likes to do a set of weights, then walk the entire length of the gym..... I realise that you need to take a rest, but the number of times people have assumed he is leaving because he just walks off, and tried to get on the machine, leading to that awkward moment when he comes back. It actually feels like he uses the length of the gym as a runway and he is strutting or prowling (hence the nickname) for attention. Ok, you're hot.. we get it. Stop it now. It is almost as unforgivable as the man that does lunges the length of the gym, but only when the gym is at its busiest. BRAVO you can do a lunge.

The grunter and dropper:  As a person that is intimidated by those that use the free weights as they are usually big burly men with perfect form that seem to all know each other - I don't know whether grunting helps - but by god it is off-putting when you hear someone making noises like they're going a shit and it's coming out sideways. This mixed with the people that insist on dropping the weights from a great height so it sounds like we are getting blitzed. Surely it is bad form to drop weights? Either way I'm not keen on it.

Modified: Anyone that has ever listened to Jonny Mcgovern's Podcast would know this is an international phenomenon  - she is probably in her early 50s and does everything modified - so when she does spin she has no resistance on, never breaks a sweat, NEVER! The one at my gym has pigtails, unusual on a lady in her 50s, but it oddly suits her attitude at the gym - if she uses the strength machines there is no weight on the pin, if she does a class she does a half kick, small punch, light gentle run... its as if she is made of glass... - It makes me want to a) scream at her to move faster b) pull her by her pigtails off the machine, especially because she only ever attends in peak hours when the gym is rammed, and her doing a slow walk on the running machine is too much.

Stinky man: this man stinks... that is unwholesome. He is so bad you can trace where he has been in the gym. Bad times.

The Fat Man: this man is at the gym every time I go but I have yet to see him in the actual gym, he is always in the changing room. I think he may use just the spa and the sauna/steam rooms - which I haven't braved yet. My issue with him is that he is 40+, really quite fat, not very attractive facially and yet when in the changing room he talks to anyone that will listen about the plethora of women he is shagging, and he is always telling tales about how they are begging him for it. I can only imagine these women are desperate or he has skills that aren't immediately apparent - or he is bullshitting - as I think I'd honestly rather not do it again that touch him with yours. To add to my distaste he talks about the women like they pieces of meat and I just think "who do you think you are fooling?" - you should be grateful and worship at their feet even if they look like grotbags.

Dressed for the gym?: I don't dress particularly well for the gym, but at least have sportswear on, but some people seem to go all out, wearing the latest stuff which is completely coordinated, but then never do anything - waste of money much? But the real offenders are those that wear kooky outfits and no doubt think of themselves as kooky or crazy - I have to physically restrain my best friend when  'leg warmer girl in her ra-ra skirts" skips past, because she looks like such a twat you are almost drawn to attack her... are you auditioning for Got To Dance? My pet hate is sunglasses - they should be illegal indoors generally but in clubs, bars, gyms, or on the tube makes me want to hurt them... hurt them real bad. I fear the only reason someone would do it is to try to look cool - they fail at this.

And finally
Gay Boy Problems - The Gays: At my gym there are a number of gays but we tend to ignore each other. I havent ever experienced it to such a degree. When I walk past another gay in the street, even if we were completely repulsed by each other we would at least exchange a glance, but in my gym its like it would be a mortal sin to even acknowledge one another, let alone smile - heaven forbid you smile - dirty cruisy gay turning everywhere into a sex den. Ok, I could be exaggerating, but there is definitely no smiling and in the changing rooms its like if you acknowledge one another all the other kids are going to start chanting "poof, poof, poof" and give you a wedgie. Its ok - I think everyone that saw you mince across the gym knows you is gay - that and the uber gay face you are giving with the trout pout and the arched over plucked eyebrows.
Unfortunately (for them) I am not subtle - if a man is hot, I will stare - why not? Ok I try to be subtle in the changing room, but who hasnt sneaked a peak... it's ok admit it.

Deep Dark Past 3…
 
I realise I am probably getting some negative reaction because I am seemingly glamorising cruising both outside and online. Even though both my stories ended in a bit of heartache – they also ended in a bit of jiggy-jiggy and everyone ended up moving on. However there have been darker times, where it didn’t end up all hunky dory, and so I thought I would share some of those to show I do realise its not a playground of delights – I will try to keep these short and sharp, some are just observations and some a mini-tales:
 
1. The Waste of Time
 
This clearly had to feature – who hasn’t logged on for 20minutes only to find that 7 hours later they are still starting the same inane conversations and coming up with nothing. Or on a cold cruising area, walking around and around and getting nothing.
 
2. The Timewasters
 
I have already admitted I have let people down online because things do come up, and sometimes you get a better offer – it always makes me smile the indignant reaction you get you cancel, and I think ‘oh the hypocrisy – I am sure you have done it too.’ Let’s face it we all do it, we shouldn’t, but we do – so there isn’t a lot you can do. I have been left standing outside a restaurant for 3 hours when I was 16 before… that wasn’t fun – so I do understand. I always think that everyone should confirm as near to the time as possible and if you aren’t going to go through with it you should cancel.
 
3. The Rejection
 
This never really bothered me but I know it kills some people – if I were to turn up at someone’s door and they thought ‘oh no, I don’t fancy you’ – I would much much rather they told me and then I can get back on the road. Don’t get me wrong my pride was bruised but I would rather that than go for it and it just not work. (Caveat – this only happened 3 times). But it does hurt and isn’t pretty.
 
4. The Forcible Ones
 
If you refer to my two earlier this mini-story seems somewhat ironic… but:
 
Whilst at Uni, I had invited a guy from G’dar to my room and he had come over. I wasn’t overwhelmed, but at the time I wasn’t at all fussy, so I thought ‘why not?’ As we started to get into it he started to become more and more forcible, really pushing his weight around and not in a kinky way, but in a rapey one (sorry if that offends.) I wasn’t pleased because at the time I was slutty but I was totally vanilla, and I had made that abundantly clear. It got to a point where he had me pinned to the bed and it looked like I was quickly losing control of the situation, as saying “no” no longer seemed to work, and to top it off (or me) he seemed to be into asphyxiation too – bad times.
 
So panic set in and I thought ‘I can’t scream as that is overdramatic, and he could stop me, also I doubt anyone would come!’ so I quickly gasped, “I need the toilet” – he seemed a bit puzzled, but released me slightly and said, “what?” – I said “I am busting for the toilet, let me just go, and we can get right back onto it” – so he literally shrugged and got off of me. The wave of relief was immense – I scooted off the bed, kicked my clothes into the bathroom and grabbed my phone as I went… trying to look casual and came out 2 minutes later fully dressed and said “I think you should leave.”
 
I don’t think he would have raped me but I will never know. He didn’t seem the type, but then who does. But when I was younger I often had the problem of men thinking that because you agreed to sex they could do whatever they wanted.
 
5. The Strawberry Yogurt
 
This is a very particular scenario, so some of you may not recognise it. But I was young (17), incredibly incredibly naïve, and desperate… (Apologies if like me you cant eat Strawberry Yogurt ever again):
 
This was probably my 4th or 5th experience with a man, my first having gone horribly – as I was taken to a wooded area by 35yo married man and he gave me a bj – not the best and not the worse, but due to the nerves I had a nose bleed… it was not a good look. Anyway, I got over it and I got back on the horse, so to speak, and I arranged a few more meets, and they were ok. However at the time I was yet to find G’dar, and so was still cruising AOL chat rooms, which retrospectively was full of perverts.
 
He (we’ll call him Dave – no idea what his name was) sent me a pic and he seemed ok, he did say that he had put on a bit of weight since then; I explained I was new to it all, he was lovely, really caring, asking loads and loads about me. I wasn’t so naïve to tell him the truth, so I lied and told him I went to a different school, and I worked somewhere else, but similar enough that I could fudge the details.
 
I explained to Dave that my parents didn’t know, so I told them I was going to work, so I could be out for a few hours (first school boy error) and he said to come on over. I got there and yeah he was a little bigger, but he was friendly and warm – sure he had a bed in his front room – but surely that’s just convenient right? No Liam, it’s down right wrong I hear you scream. So he is slowly putting the moves on and like I say I am desperate so I go with it, and quick as a flash he has me naked and on the bed – sadly I hadn’t noticed the dressing gown chord looped over the headboard… and before I knew it I was being tied to the bed-post… this didn’t overly bother me, and I still felt in control, he wasn’t being weird or forceful… just quick really… he was all over the place… and before I knew it there was the Strawberry Yogurt… actual strawberry yogurt – a big pot - now I will save you the graphic details but he liked to have men lick strawberry yogurt off his body – unfortunately he didn’t smell too fresh on closer inspection, and he was quite hairy (and I like hairy men) but sadly this didn’t work with yogurt….
 
Needless to say I have never eaten strawberry yogurt since and have a rule of no food and sex. Afterwards though he also got a bit stalkerish and weird… and then texting and ringing constantly… and then telling me he was going to meet me outside school and tell everyone I was dirty fag unless I did what he wanted. So needless to say I never contacted him again.
 
6. The Navel Issue
 
This is a favourite amongst my friends… and with good reason…
 
I had met the gentleman twice before, and he was fine, fairly pedestrian, but always willing, and I felt safe…
 
As I had been temping at a hell hole of a job for 4 days, and I knew I couldn’t go back the next day as I would kill myself. I spent my last few hours in the office on G’dar, hoping I might be spotted and sacked… instead I saw this guy, he invited me over, and I went. To give the guy a bit of back story, he worked in the Cathedral, managed the choir, seemed harmless and was into very basic things. Fine.
 
However this time when I got to his flat, he had drawn all the curtains… and it was virtually pitch black. But once again I didn’t worry and I was too polite to ask why, so we get down to it… we started off fairly normally kissing etc, and then he dropped his pants, and I went to work… and then I noticed it. It was one of those moments where you become aware of something, and you think “what’s that? …. Hmmm what is that? …… sweet mother of mercy and all that is good what is that?”
 
Starring me straight in the face was a massive bulbous bellybutton – that definitely hadn’t been there before – it was like the shape of a golf ball (with hindsight it was probably a hernia) but it killed my mood dead. Stone dead.
 
I pray to god none of you have suffered that but I am sure you have come across some oddities whilst out in the community.
 
7. The Pickpocket
 
I was pick pocketed whilst cruising at Uni… he was quite clever he gave me a bj and then took everything from my pockets… It was mainly annoying – but learn my lesson if you do go cruising – do not carry your wallet.
 
I think the worse part was having a lecturer hand back my student uni pass – which he had found in the woods the night before… he did it on campus and in front of my friends.
 
8. The TV Crew and the Doggers
 
Whilst still in Kent – I went to my local area, and suddenly found it was overwhelmed with straight couples as dogging was the new big thing, and the following week there was a film crew there do an exposé on it – that will kill your mood.
 
Obviously I jest with a lot of this but there were some pretty rubbish times in there, but most of them I managed to dust myself off and carry on, and the rest I learnt from… Never mix food and sex… NEVER.

2. The Charmer

Whilst at Uni I didn’t let my penchant for outdoor activities fade. I quickly established the local area for gentlemen to meet gentlemen… and being a Garrison town there wasn’t an open community (except for one pub in the middle of nowhere, or the one on campus) but there were plenty of soldiers willing to partake in the small wooded area.

However, that wasn’t where I met him, his name was Martin… he lived locally and was a Sales Manager, and we met through Gaydar. Many people slag off Gaydar but I found it to be entirely useful growing up. Of course there are timewasters and idiots, and I have wasted people’s time and I have been an idiot on there, but come on – this isn’t E-Harmony, and no matter how good my intentions were to meet you if life gets in the way then unfortunately me scratching your itch falls down my priority list.

Anyway, I met with Martin at his house, which was on a posh new estate just outside of town, and when I pulled up onto his drive and he opened his door… my thought process was as follows:
 “Ding, Ding, Ding – we have a winner”
He was tall dark and handsome, he looked young enough, but not too young (I preferred my men older), and he was wearing a well fitted suit. So I stumbled out of my little clapped out Ford Fiesta… and straight into his house. His house was decorated in a minimalist manner, but enough that you could tell a) he had taste, and b) he had money. Now you might say I sound like a gold-digging hussy – but being a poor student makes you appreciate it when someone isn’t scrapping together their last £3 to buy a drink and something to eat.

Martin was everything you could hope for; he was warm, thoughtful, engaging, he seemed to have remembered everything I had said about myself; he was funny too – he seemed so perfect. My heart literally soared – it had seemed so long since I met anyone with any potential for more than just fun, they either all had issues meant for a Trisha show, or they wanted just fun. I hadn’t even realised I was looking, but then as my mind raced ahead I thought the timing was perfect: all of my mates were in couples, and I hadn’t ever had a boyfriend, so here it was, my chance…. My “The One.”

Then he mentioned his boyfriend. Hmmm…

He hadn’t come up before. But it was ok, he went on… “we’re on the rocks, it isn’t working out, I think I will end it soon.” As suddenly as the clouds had come, they seemed to be drifting away… my scenarios for bagging Martin suddenly became more involved but twice as exciting. I would help him get over his boyfriend, I wouldn’t be needy like his boyfriend, I wouldn’t be flaky and rubbish like his boyfriend, and I would be super boyfriend.

Needless to say after great throw-you-round-the-bedroom intimate times I left walking on air….

I told pretty much every person that stood next to me for more than ten seconds about Martin, and how he would be the love of my life… I was actually euphoric. Bad times.

Needless to say he was careful– he was busy a lot he told me, he a boyfriend he told me, and he worked away a lot he told me… so when he said he couldn’t often text or call I took it as valid. He was sorry, and said he would always text when he was free. No worries… I was young, cool, busy with Uni… I wasn’t in love with him, we had met once… I am easy breezy.

So why I clutched my mobile with new vigor and virtually burnt holes into it with my eyes waiting for it to buzz, ring, anything?

And when he did text I was on a high… a literal high. His opener was always a fairly standard “Hi, How are you?” but what do I care… he text.

We met all of 5 or 6 times before he literally stopped. Just stopped. His G’dar profile hadn’t been touched, no text, no calls… I did ring him one night when drunk and it just rang out. Sadly I was too busy pretending to not care to realise I was devastated and taking it out on all men that I then met. I chewed them up and spat them out – always thinking “You’re not Martin.”

Anyway, some time passed, and I pushed it to the back of my mind, and then there I was at the local cruising ground… I mean stomping ground… and who was just pulling up in his Audi. Literally my heart snapped straight back to where I was before, I thought this is it. His phone obviously died so he couldn’t text me back, he broke up with his boyfriend, and now he is ready to move on … all of this in the split second it took to see him emerging from his car. By the time he walked up to me I was already planning our China set, and the seating plan for The Wedding.

So I kind of expected him to say… “lets go back to mine” but he didn’t, instead he got his rocks off, we exchanged numbers again as I had recently got a new phone, and he was walking away with a quick “catch you again soon hopefully.” – Hmmm, might have to put that China set on hold.

But sadly as the moments ticked by my heart started justifying everything, he had only popped there for a quick meet, he was a busy bloke, he probably had the boyfriend at home… and the following day I got the usual “Hi, How are you?” text so basically I thought “Game On” – I win.

Sadly for my poor naïve heart I had recently changed my phone from a pay-as-you-go to a contract… and that old phone was still running… and oddly the message was on both phones… “Hi, How are you?” … I immediately justified it that he had two Liam’s in his phonebook so just sent it to both… but my pride was niggling me… could it be? Could he be sending out a generic text to a whole ream of men from his little black book? I sent him replies from both, timed apart, and replying slightly differently. He came back to both, with slightly different messages but clearly looking to make arrangements to meet both … and I was devastated. As the messages went back and forth (as I wasn’t going to stop) it was clear that it was all pretty much a lie, in one I mentioned the boyfriend, in another I said “how is single life” – he replied to both with a pack of lies….

This called for revenge. I am not going to tell you what I did for libel reasons, and because I might need to use it again someday. But sufficed to say I felt better. But that was the day that I learnt that even the best of us – the hard nosed promiscuous types – can be a fool for Love (or Lust).

Deep Dark Past p.2

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Deep dark past

One of my issues withh twitter is that in 140 characters I dont feel like I get my full personality across - and I hate it when I read my tweets and they seem naff, cheesy and sometimes a little desperate. I am almost grateful to be part of the family which makes me want to kill myself.

The only things worse are my blogs because they seem like high horsey, patronising Dr Phil style sermons... so to give you some background and truly welcome you into my world I decided to go through a series of my back stories... some will have some profound meaning, others will just be funny.... I am starting with a funny story which tells a lot about my early gay life...and is actually taken from the email I sent my uni friends (please dont judge me too harshly I was young and naive) :

I hope you are sitting confortably as I am about to
begin my saga, it is not a long tale but iI hope you
gain as much amusement from it as I did, and hopefully
you will learn a little something too!

On Sunday 25th of July, at approx 9pm I was cruising
the local layby [I know some of you will be disgusted by this but it was rural Kent and at the time I didnt have any gay friends to go to the Gay Bars with, so I had to take it where I could find it],
 minding my own business, having had a
fair bit of luck already, I was being slightly greedy
and hanging around for the last bit of lovin, when I
see a rather sexy bit of meat get out of his mercedes,
and I think yes I will have a piece of that, so I
creep closer shakin my ass, [*cringe* remember its from my distant past where I thought I was young and hot]
 like only I can, and it is
obvious I have caught his eye!

to set the scene a little more let me explain the
setting! the layby in off an A-road, which means its
fairly busy, however the between the layby and the
road is a slightly wooded area providing ample cover
for that dwell there, on the other side of the layby
is a steep bank which is densely wooded providing a
lovely area for the lovin,

I was on the the steep bank shakin my ass, waiting for
Mr mercedes to make his move, when I ook down to the
road and see none other than a police car, with its
lights a flashing, fear paralyses for a second, my
heart jumps to my mouth, and Idont move till I hear
the door of the car slam shut and the police man
shout, 'dont move, stay where u are' (now normally a
man telling me what to do in a uniform would be fairly
erotic, but on this occasion it somewhat dampened the
mood!)

Then the chase was on! I turned on my self ran up the
bank, and unlike how cat suggested I did not run and
scream like a girl hands flying in the air, instead
like the true SAS hero, I ran crouching low, ducking
branches, leaping logs, all the time the police man on
my tail, virtually screaming for me to stop, and not
only did I have to evade him but also the beacon of a
torch he had that was illuminating half of Kent!
luckily with my keen skills, agile and nimble body I
managed to out run the officer and the 1000w torch he
was carrying. then sneakily and steadily I climbed
along the bank, came back around and dropped behind a
lorry parked on the layby, only to notice that the
fecking police had parked their car right next to
mine! whats a boy to do! as im watching from my
crouching tiger pose, i notice one police has Mr.
mercedes and has handcuffed him and thrown him into
the back of the car, so nimbly I ran alongside the
lorry and back to my own car, only for the police man
to turn round at the last second and notice me, I
freeze, virtually passing out, and at the same time
prayin to all the gods that he not arrest me, luckily
this police man is after more meat, and merely shouts
'where do u think your going?' I reply in my most
innocent and angelic voice, 'I'm going home sir' sadly
he is not fooled, and says' you just wait there till I
get back,' lordy lordy now I'm in a pickle, there is a
car infront of me blocking me in and I cant get away,
but there is no chance in hell that I want to hang
around, I desperately try to ring people on my mob,
but sadly my phone cuts out, and I think poor Gemma
must have thought I was being gang raped, as all she
could hear was me whispering desperately, 'gemma....
gemma ... can you hear me... I think I'm in trouble'
luckily the police continue up into the woods and the
car infront pulls away, giving me enough time to drive
away, and not look back!

I'm sure there is a moral here somewhere but im not
sure what it is, or what one should learn from it! and
so here is wishing you much love, and hoping all is
well, I hope to hear from you all soon.

So there it is - my shame knows no ends - and I hope you found it amusing and enlightening. I wouldnt recommend cruising it's extremely dangerous and although I had some good times, some funny times, I also had some scary times... they are for future blogs.

What's the rush?!

The boys (and men) desperate for a boyfriend

Many would say, “what do you know, you’re a smug couple person, and only ever had the one boyfriend” but I still am shocked by the desperation of some guys to find a boyfriend to “make them happy.” Do the boyfriends you are looking for have a magic wand (don’t answer that) – I mean do they have the ability to make everything work out?

I have single friends (male and female, gay and straight), and I have couples (male and female, gay and straight) and it seems that there is a specific group of gay boys that think that by having a boyfriend you will somehow be complete, happy, and all problems will dissolve. This concept baffles me because, ok, I have only had one boyfriend, but we are getting on to 5 years, and we have had to work at it. It’s been far from a hedonistic bliss of delights – and I know he would say the same. It’s been lots of hard work, sacrifices, dealing with and doing things you don’t want to do, compromising, and arguing.

I agree single people do have some issues that couples don’t encounter -  I don’t feel lonely on those cold winter nights, but trust me if you are going to your partner’s Aunties Christmas party where you will get ‘the look’ from the cousins, the Uncle that is “dubious at best” gets to feel you up as he says hello, the brother gets to give his usual arch comment that make you want to stab out his eyes – then you might look at those lonely nights-in as blissful chances to watch whatever you wanted without consultation, negotiation, a public enquiry and a submission to The Holder of the Remote.

Also I don’t know how to put this delicately… but the reek of desperation is never going to entice a nice young man. When out and about you can tell those happy having a night out for a laugh, and those on the mission to get some, and the those on the mission to find the “one” – the angry manic look of appraisal – as they judge you for potential boyfriend material. This is not a good look.

Also these boys when in a relationship seem to fall for all the bad eggs out there and let us not kid ourselves there are a lot out there. There are the users, those that lead you on to get in your pants, those that want a new play thing, the abusers, and the down right idiots. Because they are on the hunt for a relationship that will solve all their issues that at the first hint of a relationship they jump in with both feet…

The number of times I have said to my friends “how do you find these idiots?” – after “going out” for less than 2 months they tell you they are going back to Egypt for 6 weeks, but you find out he is still in his flat in London chatting to guys online; or they let you down constantly and for no reason; they constantly criticise what you do, wear, eat, look like… and yet you want to defend them because you think this person is going to make you whole? He isn’t.

So my suggestion is: go out, have fun, let it find you – and don’t just take what is offered, or force it, and make sure they are not using you…. Then jump in (because you will anyway so there is no point in me telling you different) – but most of all enjoy being single because when you’re not single and you’re at The Family Party you will regret it.

Why I love to hate Twitter Part 3 (final)

3. People using Twitter as a chat room

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that although a MICROBLOG app, Twitter, can by its nature be used for a multitude of things including for chat between friends – even I chat to my friends via long rambling replies… however my issue is the etiquette of Twitter is not accepted by some. This is my personal etiquette so feel free to disagree.

My Twitter etiquette means that if you are having a public discussion with a friend about something / anything and others interrupt it, or join in then you should include them – not carry on the conversation and cut them out; after all you are having the discussion in a public forum. Otherwise to me it speaks of the popular kids having a discussion on the playground that you are allowed to hear, and laugh about, but not join in… oh no… you’re not welcome to join… just worship from afar.

This grudge could because I have a complete issue with being excluded, but I don’t understand some people’s tendency to have either personal conversations, or catch up with friends, and then seem miffed at people throwing their two pennies in – I actually feel like typing “you do realise we can see what you’re tweeting!”.

This issue of boundaries and people seemingly using twitter wrongly (in my opinion) also extends to having relationship discussions or breakdowns on Twitter – if you are not getting on then for the love of god don’t tweet it to that person… because frankly it makes me want to curl up into a ball and die of embarrassment for you and I lose any respect I may have had. Sure it’s fine to whinge and whine about people, but don’t have arguments across twitter – its almost as bad as people on Facebook sharing every part of their relationship from the moment they smuggly click “in a relationship” to the point where they angrily declare on their wall “I never loved you anyway” and their relationship status is hidden.

So my response here is two fold:

a) if you have a conversation on a public forum, include those that add something

b) never have delicate relationship discussions in public.

4. Hero worshippers

This section will probably upset some of the “nice guys” (because they are generally nice guys) and the “heroes”  but again this rant is probably my own insecurity and jealously, so don’t take it to heart if you feel I am talking about you and fee free to discuss with me.

There are certain cliques on twitter, there are the celebs, semi-celebs, porn stars, friendship groups, media luvies… it goes on and on, and many of us are members of lots. Within these cliques certain heroes come out – because they are funny, or inspiring, or witty, or intelligent, or rude… whatever – they can be virtual saints. But when they tweet there is always a certain group of people who sit on the fringe of the clique that always feel need to reply to everything they write – whether it be actually interesting or not. And my issue with this is that these people are never invited into the “group” – not really, they are kept at arms length, and they never will be. Now this isn’t just a problem with Twitter, it happens everywhere. Normally my pride stops me from chasing these “heroes” approval – I have a few I really want to like me, that I really want to validate my twitter experience – one that I tend to reply with stupid moronic responses which make me super-cringe, and I cant help myself. But after a few non-responses I have severely cut that down.

The reason I hate this is because I feel like Twitter should be a place where everyone can be part of a clique, and one of the Heroes of their group, but instead the social stigmas stick – the beautiful are raised on high, and the intelligent are respected, the funny are popular, and those that feel that they are just not quite good enough scratch around for the scraps of a response.

So my message is here – no matter how many responses and DMs you get, try to respond, make someone feel like you are bothered, after all they bother to follow you and without them you’re tweeting no-one. And if you are a “nice guy” then don’t feel you have to only ever respond, put your own thoughts out there!

After that sanctimonious trite I fully expect to lose all my followers for being a high-horsey idiot and I plan to kill myself for being so cheesy – but the sentiment is there.

Twitter Why I love to hate you Part 2

2. Wannabe Celebs (only famous on Twitter)  acting in "Blue Peter" mode

There are lots of wannabe celebs out there and that is fine, it's a perfectly acceptable life choice to want to be famous. The odd case arises where people seem to want to become famous on Twitter, obviously before I ventured on Twitter I never realised this even existed, you dont hear of "twitter superstar xxx" but once you are on you are bombarded with people asking you to follow them, retweet them, automatic DMs telling you they are grateful for your follow etc etc. Again, I dont have a problem with this, everyone to some degree loves to be loved, and why not on twitter where you can be whatever you want to be - you can be the whitty, charming, funny cad about town flirting with everyone.

My issue is with a very certain type of wannabe celeb on twitter - these are the people that maintain a somewhat Saintly and Whiter than White persona. They dont swear, they dont slag anyone or anything off, they are against everything they should be, they are environmentally friendly, they are pretty much the perfect Blue Peter presenter in the making - they are so wholesome even a Nun would have to look away after a while.... Also as almost everyone I follow is gay - if they are gay - then they are sanitised version of gay - no talk of sex whatsoever - so you can guarantee that talk of fisting and gloryholes is met with shock and horror - even though we all know it goes on - They are the Will Young of Gay.

The problem with this person is it's completely false. I dont pretend to be all-knowing, but in my life I have never met anyone that can keep up a charade of happy clappy 'love the world and everyone in it' persona. Eventually they crumble, and in fact hidden behind the charade is quite a mean little person, who has a lot of prejudices. They will often use barbed comments, or double-edged compliments in public which they can easily defend as "jokes" or "they dint mean it like that" - but their intent is clear, and I wish I could call them out on it more without being vilified by all of Twitter - maybe I am just cynical and I don't trust these people from the outset. I have more respect for someone that openly dislikes something, and is brutal and honest, or defends something that isn't popular.

My problem isn't that these people want to be friends with the world, or that they want to be famous on twitter, or that they try to have continually nice persona's on twitter - my problem is that this persona is a persona  - its not real. Yet they try to maintain it, and they even present it in public - even a Blue Peter presenter swears, probably has their own opinion on things... but these people keep this charade up and maintain they are the nicest people on twitter and in real life - when really I don't think they are the nicest people on their street.

My unfortunate situation is that these persona's are universally well liked on twitter - so you cant challenge them because even those that fashion themselves as the "Mean Girls" of twitter completely love the "Blue Peter Presenters"  because it only highlights how they are totally mean, and they like to swear, and they are the bad'uns. So to be ostracised or to get over it, and just cringe when they write they "love the Royals, want to be besties with Pippa, hate Mugabe, think the Pope is Evil, and will you follow me" ....

Well I still follow them ... so clearly I am weak, but for the record I dont think the Pope is necessarily evil.